ATLANTA, GA – As children across the country return to school concerns of exposure to and spread of COVID-19 have parents worried about their family’s safety.
The Scoop News has asked several leading virologists for tips to help protect school children and their families.
Tip #1: Sew their mouth shut
“As a parent myself, I know that kids – kids of all ages – stick things in their mouths,” said Virologist at Emory University, Dr. Gail Newsbome. “Since the mouth is a key entry point for all viruses you don’t want kids sticking possible contaminated items into their mouths. And since kids have no control over their need to stick things into their mouths, a simple solution is to sew their mouths shut. Any family medicine practitioner can and will sew a child’s mouth shut if you ask. And if you don’t trust a doctor to do, you can do it yourself. I have a ‘how-to’ video on YouTube. Really, you don’t even need to sew. Super glue or duct tape could also work in a pinch.”
Tip #2: Spray them with bleach mixture when they come home
“It’s difficult to control a child’s exposure when you can’t be with them 24-7,” said Microbiologist at the Center for Disease Control, Frank Daniels. “But you can control what your kid’s bring in to the home. I recommend setting up a decontamination station on your front lawn. When the kids come home make them strip to their undergarments and spray them with a 50/50 mixture of bleach and water for no less than 15 minutes straight. Make sure to do it on the front lawn so everyone else in the neighborhood knows your kids are clean. Also, the kids should wait outside until they are dry.”
Tip #3: Wrap them in cellophane from head to toe
“It’s not quite a plastic bubble but it’s close and it will protect your child from COVID,” said Disease Control expert with the Granger Medical Group, Heath Makar. “Cellophane isn’t the best protective equipment but it’s cheap and you can wrap your kid in a couple layers. You’ll want to make sure the cellophane is airtight so no nasty little COVID bugs get in and stick to them. Oh, and you’ll need some kind of S.C.U.B.A. breathing system… I found that out the hard way. At least I still have a couple kids left. So it’s ok.”
Tip #4: Spread rumors about your child is a “huge fucking weirdo”
“Everyone hates weirdos, right?” said Johns Hopkins Lead Virus researcher, Sam Popson. “If you want your kid and yourself to be safe you are gonna need to make sure everyone stays at least six feet away from your kid. And the best way to do that is to make your kid someone that other kids don’t want to talk to let alone be within six feet of. So just make sure everyone at their school thinks your kid is a huge weirdo. Like, tell the other kids that your kid eats paint and collects poop in jars and, has pictures of clowns in his bedroom. Bam. No COVID getting to that kid. Unless he sticks something he shouldn’t in his mouth. You know how kids are and sticking things in the mouths!”
Tip #5: Go back in time and don’t have kids
“There is only one way. One way to make sure your kids don’t get infect and then infect you with COVID-19 – go back in time and don’t have kids,” said physicist, Hannah Beuamont. “I don’t know how you would do it or if it’s even possible but the only way to be 100% sure your kids don’t get COVID is to not have kids. So if you have kids the only way to make sure those kids don’t bring home COVID is to somehow travel back in time and convince your past self to not have kids. Explaining what life is like in 2020 should pretty much do the trick.”