DENVER, CO – As mask mandates across the country are lifted, many Americans are finding it more difficult to identify jerks.
“Before, when we were all supposed to be wearing masks it was really easy to tell who was a jerk and who wasn’t,” said Allen Cattaman. “If you saw some asshole not wearing a mask or not wearing a mask correctly you knew that person was a jerk. It was nice. You could just avoid them all together. But now… now jerks can be anyone. Maybe you are a jerk. I don’t know. It’s nearly impossible to tell. Am I a jerk? I don’t even know anymore.”
For many, the concern about possibly engaging with a jerk has added anxiety to leaving home.
“COVID, ugh, it’s still out there so that makes me nervous but the fact that total fucking jerks are out there, and you can’t tell them apart from non-jerks… that’s just too much,” said Jay Warren. “I just don’t want to take any chances. What if I’m in a grocery store and someone comes up to me and asks me if these pants are suede and then they start in on how John F. Kennedy Jr. is coming back to life then… ugh. I’ll stay home and just keep hiding under these blankets. That’s what I’ve been doing since 2020 and it seemed to work out for me OK.”
According to Sociologist Watson Brigarde, in addition to being an effective method of reducing the spread of COVID-19, mask mandates also helped to clearly identify total jerks.
“During mask mandates jerks were easily recognizable as they either didn’t wear a mask or simply didn’t wear a mask correctly,” said Brigarde. “It was very helpful to non-jerks. You could see someone from, well, pretty far away, and you could see how they were wearing a mask or if they were wearing one at all and take the appropriate precautions. You could go in the opposite direction at the store or just leave your cart and go to the Co-Op where everyone was wearing a mask. It made things a lot easier.”
Americans have used several different methods in recent years to identify jerks including masks, red hats, lifted trucks, and camouflage clothing.
“Most of the things we used to identify jerks are kinda gone now so we are going to have to figure something else out,” said Cattaman. “There are some easy ways, like anything ‘let’s go Brandon’ or anything ‘Q’ related. But yeah… we need to figure it out as soon as possible because there are a lot of fucking jerks out there and I don’t want to deal with any of them. Carhartt seems like an obvious choice, but I know some cool people that have a Carhartt beanie, so I don’t know. And I don’t have anything against the company. I mean they seem to be a good group of people. It’s just that a lot of total fucking jerks wear their clothes.”