WASHINGTON, D.C. – As the Republicans begins picking their Presidential candidate, one person is very rapidly becoming the front-runner: the Roman god of wealth.

MOGADISHU, SOMALIA – The hijacking of a ship containing 23 goats, three Michael Jackson look-a-likes, 107 boxes of “Dancing With The Stars” DVDs and a British Couple has caused an international incident.

SPRINGFIELD, WV – Despite the fact that he was unemployed for eight months in 2010, Alan Jeffries, 23, has already planned out how he will spend his tax return.

DALLAS, TX – To increase gay awareness, gay rights groups including the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) have adopted “truck nuts” as a symbol of gay pride.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Comedian Steven Yips says he is may delete his Twitter account as the pressure to post humorous updates to Twitter is consuming his free time.

AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS – Tom Tom has unveiled a new feature to its voice guided GPS navigation system that will allow customers to load the voice of their spouse into the device to make for a more “familiar” driving experience.

This new service will be called Voice Voice and will be available in the next generation of Tom Tom GPS navigation devices beginning early next year.

TUCSON, AZ – Friends of local man Jay Ralllan have committed to no longer inviting him to any social event or gathering until he learns to put down his fucking phone.

FORT SMITH, AR – Mother Nature held a press conference last week because the people of Earth “don’t seem to be picking up the hint.”

PITTSBURGH, PA – A new survey conducted by the American Culinary Association (ACA) has confirmed what many in America have simply taken for granted: tacos are delicious.

WELLINGTON, VA – Local man Jefferson Porter rewarded his eight-year-old son with ice cream despite the fact that his son did not deserve any such reward.