RENO, NV – Local football fan Dennis Triollio has quietly and discreetly changed his favorite football team in the last several days from the Denver Broncos to the Seattle Seahawks.

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – After suffering a series of recent defeats, the terrorist organization known as Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) is looking to re-brand its image in hopes of bringing in new recruits.

According to senior ISIS leaders, recruitment of new members has slowed as the population of men between the ages of 16 and 25 has been depleted.

This year, instead of making resolutions that are bound to fail, I’ve put together some life hacks that are easy to stick to and will make you a better person.

NEW YORK, NY – New York Yankees’ fans have been promised that retiring shortstop Derek Jeter will be taken upstate to live out the rest of his years on a farm.

PASADENA, CA – Local mother, Jane Herbst, is refusing to get a flu shot because she read an internet blog post recently that may or may not have said there was a connection between autism and flu shots.

I’m here today to give you my picks for the best vacation spots here in the good ol’ US of A.

LOS ANGELES, CA – A new documentary highlighting the danger of babies is causing a series of protests and calls for tighter restrictions on owning a baby.

KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA – Having exhausted all other possible leads, Malaysian officials have brought in magician David Copperfield for questioning about the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.

“I remember seeing him one time make a plane disappear when I was a kid and he may have do it again,” said Malaysia Prime Minister, Najib Tun Razak. “Maybe (Copperfield) made plane disappear and now he ca not remember how to get it back since he is old now.”

NEW YORK, NY – The NFL is adopting new rules and working with the NFL Players Association to help players adapt to having an openly gay teammate.

“Our main focus is to make sure everyone is comfortable as we welcome the first openly gay player,” said Eric Winston, President of the NFLPA. “And by ‘everyone’ we mean fans, players, advertisers, coaches, even the cheerleaders. Because, let’s face it, there are some real pieces of shit that play and watch football.”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With the filming set to begin in a few months, Disney has finally revealed the cast for the highly anticipated Star Wars Episode VII.