AUSTIN, TX – In a daring move that shows his wild and independent nature, Gordon Vassen, 22, has applied two stickers featuring ‘big tittied naked devil chicks’ to the rear window of his 1997 Ford Explorer.

VORGON 9 – Just over five years ago, a rag tag group of misfits with ideas of UFO’s and castration took the United States by storm, but then seemingly vanished into thin air shortly after their bodies were found after what appeared to be a mass suicide. But Tuesday, in an announcement broadcast from beyond our solar system and picked up via satellite TV, members of the Heavens Gate cult announced that they finally reached the spaceship and are in fact not dead.

BOSTON, MA – After years of playing games and “messing around,” Gary Stipple has decided to get serious about relationships with members of the opposite sex. The decision was said to be a long and arduous one, with Stipple only coming to his decision after a long talk with his mother.

UNION BEACH, NJ – A compact disc, compiled of various songs by Joshua Kilm, was given to his girlfriend Jessica Wills last Thursday. After sampling the CD Wills realized there was more to the song selection than Kilm had originally admitted.

LAKEWOOD, CA – While speaking with a small group of friends, Michael Berry revealed more about his masturbation habits than the rest of the group felt comfortable discussing. During the course of the exchange, Berry said he had masturbated 4 times already that day and would “Polish the ol’ helmet” at least once more before going to bed.

JOPLIN, MO – Like most aspiring artists, Ben Candrel simply wants to be recognized and appreciated for his work, his creations. Between the hours of 11 AM and 7 PM, Candrel is a Subway Sandwich artist and according to his boss Jake Birch, the best sandwich artist “this side of the Mississip’.”

DENVER, CO – An intervention was held Saturday for 45-year-old mother of three Jacqueline Burke in order to help her stop dressing like a 15-year-old hooker. The intervention, supported by friends and family, came as a complete shock to Burke.

AMES, IA – Approximately 20 minutes after applying a temporary tattoo, 9-yerar-old Joshua Kelley went on what witnesses describe as “a thug-like rampage of destruction and complete disregard for his fellow students.”

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Associates of Wilson McMichaels have put the openly gay Chili’s waiter on notice for failure to meet “funny-flaming-gay-man” expectations. The notice, issued late last week, is stated to be a result of McMichaels decidedly “non-gay” appearance and personality.

HIGHLANDS RANCH, CO – For the fifth year in a row, Jim and Rhonda Barber compiled a list of New Year’s Resolutions which, despite the couple’s best efforts, will most likely not be kept. The ritual, performed December 31, has been carried out by the couple every year since their marriage in 1993 and no resolutions have ever lasted the entire year.