LOUISVILLE, KY – The day after The Academy Is concert, Victoria Jorgensen, 22, was terrified to realize that she had accidentally slept with the band’s bass player – mistaking him for someone important in the band.

ST. LOUIS, MO – During a casual chat with friends, Benjamin Walters admitted that he, a Caucasian 18-year-old male, identifies with African-Americans.

MONTREAL, QUE – Friends and relatives of 27 year old Darren Grayson are grieving today at the fact that they have lost someone close to them. Wells was officially pronounced P-Whipped late last week.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – An eight-year-old girl has been arrested and charged with criminal mischief after presiding over the marriage of a male doll, Jonas, and a small, stuffed unicorn she named Beebee.
The girl, Cassie Weinrich, held the ceremony last month in her bedroom. While no other humans attended the wedding, authorities were called when Weinrich introduced the recently married couple to her elementary school teacher.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With less than a month left in his term as President of the United States, George W. Bush has admitted that he has “a severe case of senioritis.”

EVANSVILLE, IN – Online friends of Jason Delley notified local police this week after Delley failed to show up for a second consecutive World of Warcraft gaming session. Delley, who was listed as a missing person for over 36 hours, eventually resurfaced and informed his friends and family that he had actually been with his girlfriend.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced last week the government’s plan to bailout the struggling Lehman brothers, Jim and Hank, of Baltimore, MD. The Lehman brothers have found themselves in economic trouble after two years of extravagant living, causing the government to sit up and take action before the Lehman brother’s assets are liquidated.

SEDONA, AZ – Only a few weeks after rejecting the endorsement of two controversial preachers, John McCain has announced that he has rejected yet another endorsement from a religious leader. In a public statement, McCain has denounced any connection to Jesus Christ.

IRVING, TEXAS – The Boy Scouts of America have retired two merit badges the organization has deemed “impossible to obtain.” The badges to be removed from availability are the Talking to Girls and Popular merit badges.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Friends and family of Jesus Christ are confirming recent internet reports that the Christian icon has converted to Scientology. The shift in religious philosophy has come as a shock to Christians all over the world.