WASHINGTON, D.C. – While waiting for a ruling on his appeals, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby has been busy in his free time reviewing images for his first prison tattoo.

ALLENTOWN, PA – Shortly after checking a website his friends suggested, local man, Ryan “Big Red” Centorelli, realized he is a douche bag.

OMAHA, NE – Local father Steve Holt has taken drastic measures to reconnect with his high school son, Brenden, by listening to and trying to appreciate the band My Chemical Romance.

SEATTLE, WA – In an effort to improve efficiency and reduce costs, many U.S. companies have begun turning to ninjas to meet security needs. Ninjas, mythical warriors from Japan are in hot demand these days as companies have realized how versatile an asset the ninja can be when used in security functions.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In preparation for the anticipated troop build-up President Bush recently promised the United States armed forces are considering new enlistment incentives to raise the total number of troops available for deployment.

LOS GATOS, CA – While most Americans were celebrating the holiday season with their friends and family, the Castero family of Los Gatos were secretly thankful that one family member had passed away.

CHANDLER, AZ – After spending the last five years as an avid emo fan, local music lover Jarred Samson, 22-years-old, has completed his crossover to an indie fan.

DALLAS, TX – A new product is about to hit the shelves that aims to not only clear confusion and suspicion but also serve a much needed service to men across the country. The device, the HomoDivider, will act as a beverage and snack holder while sitting between two men in public creating what the developers call a “barrier to protect the image of straight men everywhere.”

NEW YORK, NY – In a radical move to show the world that Americans will stand defiantly in the face of terrorism, plans were unveiled this month to change the Statue of Liberty to a more “aggressive and purely American” stance. The proposed change, among others, will remove the torch from the statues hand, replacing it with a handgun.

LOUISVILLE, KY – Addressing reporters and hundreds of fans, beloved cartoon actor and chicken rights spokescock Foghorn Leghorn announced today that he had contracted the deadly Avian Flu virus.