University to Offer New Meth Sommelier Degree
Published August 2024 0 Comments | Share:
Northern Arizona University will offer a new degree program to teach students about making, maintaining, and pairings of meth.
FLAGSTAFF, AZ– Northern Arizona University (NAU) has announced a new degree program which it hopes will attract new students – Meth Sommelier.
“NAU has always stood to deliver the education that our community needs to help our community grow and be prosperous,” said NAU President, Ned Dustin. “With that goal in mind we are offering the new Meth Sommelier undergraduate degree track. This degree, the first of its kind in the nation, will be a beacon in an otherwise empty landscape. A program that is long overdue here in the southwest United States.”
Meth Sommelier will be a four-year curriculum and will teach students about making, maintaining, and food pairings of methamphetamine.
“We will take students from the beginning of the meth making process all the way through to the end, which as we all know is just more meth,” said NAU Professor and Advisor, Dan “Shakey Pete” Honnus. “We will teach students how it’s made, where to find, or steal, wink, the best ingredients. Teach them how the variation of ingredients impacts the meth and what food pairs best with meth and which dumpsters that food can be found in.”
In total, students in the program will take 10 different meth related courses. Because many, if not all the students in the program will be taking meth, students can finish the degree in as little as five days.
“ThisisgoingotbethegreatestthingintheworldmanImeanI’mtotallyjazzedrightnowI’mgoingtostartcookingandthenI’mgoingtosmokesomeandthenstartcookingagainandthensmokingandthencookingandthensmokingandthencookingandthensmokingandthencookingandthensmokingandthencookingandthensmokingandthencookingandthenandthenI’llprobablygobuyafuckingCaddilacbecauseI’vealwayswantedoneandI’llhaveenoughmoneyfromallthecookingthatIcangetaCaddilacit’sgoingtobefuckingtits,” said NAU student Rick Fisher, Gallup, NM.
More than 1,000 prospective students from across the southwestern states have applied to the university in hopes of majoring in Meth Sommelier.
“We knew that the program would be immediately popular, but we never dreamed that we would get this many inquiries right off the bat,” said Honnus. “I was expecting, maybe, 100 students this first year, and I thought that was probably a stretch. But wow, we were absolutely blown away. It’s going to be a fun ride, I can tell you that. And when we’re all said and done, I think our graduates will be making the world that much better. Or at least better meth.”
The new program will be an undergraduate major through the School of Hotel and Restaurant Management.
“In time, we hope that we’ll be able to offer Masters and Doctorate level programs, but we need to see how this new program goes first,” said Dustin. “The plans for these higher-level degrees are in process though. We hope to have an entire course on how to construct secret labs and another on how meth fits into high end dinning. They’ll be a top-notch course; I can tell you that.”
With university enrollment declining across the country many universities are adding new majors and programs to attract new students.
“The University of Tennessee is planning a similar, opioid centric program to get students to enroll,” said Honnus. “And I know the university system in California is taking a strong look at what we are doing. But we’re going to be first, and most likely the best. If not, I know some people that could make that program go away, if you know what I mean.”
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