HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hey kiddies, Beth here and oh my, how the months have been coming quickly as of late. Just like me! I’m serious, if someone even touches me I pop like a Champaign bottle. But enough about my little foibles. It seems like just last month that I was freezing my tits off, trying to find a special someone to warm me up – inside and out. But now the snows have thawed and my young nubile mind has turned to other, more serious thoughts.

WESTMINSTER, CO – During a conversation with friends, local teen Jared Gabriel announced that he had recently become involved with a teenage girl, from Canada. The relationship, which began while Gabriel was vacationing in Ottawa, is, according to Gabriel, full of passion, love and online chats.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the debate about the future of Social Security reaching a boiling point, President Bush announced a new plan late last week that was immediately accepted by both parties.

WALA WALA, WA – After an intense investigation by both the FBI and INTERPOL, officials from both agencies have announced that they have arrested Oberon Junior High student Adam Kent, 14, in connection with several high profile weather related crimes, including the recent tsunami in Indonesia.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Following in the footsteps of Professional Boxing, the pornography industry will soon allow companies to sponsor actors and actresses. The Porn Actors Guild has OK’d the use of temporary tattoos on performers during filming of adult films.

DURANGO, CO – Less than three months after buying a Black Labrador Retriever puppy, local woman Gail Freiberg, has expressed dissatisfaction with both the puppy and the decision to adopt the puppy.

DES PLAINES, IL – In an effort to capitalize on the success of the Adult Happy Meals, the fast food company McDonald’s will begin offering similar meals geared towards teens called Angst Meals. The meals will include a super-size drink, filled half full, a large French Fry, three cheeseburgers and a “special gift.”

ATHENS, GA – The controversy over steroids in sports continued this week as it was revealed that this year’s Spellympics champion, Conner Stersky age 10, may have been using performance enhancing steroids before and during last month’s competition.

BAGHDAD, Iraq – In a survey conducted last month, just under half of Iraqi teens said they are much better now with one or more less parents.

MAMOUTH, NH – Months of speculation came to an end last Thursday as Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry announced his running mate – a golden retriever puppy.