SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A new bear preserve will be opening later this month in Mill Valley. Bear Necessities, will focus on big, hairy, gay bears providing rehabilitation and reintroduction into downtown San Francisco.

“Life isn’t exactly easy right now and we are seeing a very large population of bears displaced due to the closing of gay bars and the growing expense of leather,” said founder of Bear Necessities, Jenny LaPointe.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Students at MIT have succeeded in building a robot with artificial intelligence capable of pressing an elevator button.

JEFFERSON PARISH, LA – A local filmmaker is growing more frustrated as people continue to ignore his film which he posted on the YouTube over a month ago.

ELKTON, MD – A local couple says they are confused by their child’s resemblance to their next door neighbor.

CLEVELAND, OH – During several different conversations with several different people at a recent Mates of State concert, local man Landon “Buster” Keane mentioned several times that every album he’s purchased in the past year has been on vinyl as apposed to CDs or online music stores.

CHICAGO, IL – A recent article in The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) has provided the clearest link between the rise of MRSA infections and the increase in popularity of Justin Bieber.

NEW ORLEANS, LA – American fast food company Long John Silver’s has secured exclusive fishing rights in the Gulf of Mexico as it hopes to capitalize on the recent oil spill. The company is hoping to both make a substantial profit from “already oiled fish” and perhaps remove the oil from the water.
“What we have here is an amazing opportunity,” said Long John Silver’s president Walter Johnson.

FORT SMITH, AR – Mother Nature held a press conference last week because the people of Earth “don’t seem to be picking up the hint.”

EL CAJON, CA – The friends and family of Gary Kostisyn are almost unanimous in the feeling that Gary doesn’t get it. In a strongly worded letter from those that know him best, Kostisyn was warned to “get his shit together and figure it out.”

PALM BEACH, FL – Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has admitted that he can no longer remember why he hates Democrats, poor people and minorities.