JEFFERSON PARISH, LA – A local filmmaker is growing more frustrated by the day as people continue to ignore his short film which he posted on the popular video sharing website YouTube over a month ago. To date the film, titled “Seven Shades of Mauve,” has only been viewed nine times.

“How the hell does my film only have nine views? There has to be some sort of conspiracy against me! How else can it be explained that my film has only been watched nine times?” said filmmaker Garret Rialto. “I put the video on Facebook and I sent the link to over 100 people I know so the number of views has to be higher because everyone said they watched it. So either YouTube isn’t counting all my views or YouTube is stopping people from seeing it. (YouTube) is probably threatened by how groundbreaking it is and they don’t want people to see it because my work makes everything else on YouTube look like shit.”

According to statistics on the video’s YouTube page, since it was uploaded the video has only been viewed seven times. In contrast, a video of two men dry-humping furniture that was posted less than one day ago has garnered over 700,000 views.

“WTF, man? My stuff if so much better than 99.9% of the videos on the internet,” said Rialto. “Have you seen that one with the two rainbows? Good god, that’s horrible. Sure yeah, I could have gone out and got stoned out of my mind and filmed myself freaking out about some mundane thing, but no. I have talent. I went out, got stoned out of my mind and made the most groundbreaking film ever to be made in the history of film. No I am not kidding on that. Have you watched it? Are you one of the nine?”

A YouTube spokesman was unable to confirm why so few people had watched Rialto’s film suggesting that perhaps the film was “terrible” and possibly “a piece of shit that no one, not even Rialto’s friends would want to watch.”

“Really, you never know what is going to be a big hit,” said YouTube spokeswoman, Sarah Long. “But it’s usually really easy to tell what’s not going to be a hit, and unfortunately, the second I saw (Rialto’s) ‘movie,’ I knew it wasn’t going to be a hit. Now a video of a dude getting hit repeatedly in the crotch with tennis balls? Huge hit. No pun intended. Hits to the balls are pure gold.”

“Seven Shades of Mauve” is a 23 minute romantic comedy written, directed and starring Rialto. The entire film was shot in Rialto’s home using an old VHS camcorder.

“(‘Seven Shades of Mauve’) is a movie that breaches every emotion that a human being can possibly go through,” said Rialto. “It’s a journey of the mind, in which my character, Garret, explores his relationship with his mother and his current girlfriend. The entire movie takes place in my apartment, almost exclusively on my couch. Now me not leaving the couch is symbolism, showing that I’m not ready to leave the comfort of what’s comfortable. It’s deep, man. Much deeper than that Avatar piece of shit.”

Although hey tell Rialto otherwise, few of Rialto’s friends have watched the film, including those that appear in it.

“Yeah, (Rialto) tricked me into being in his ‘movie’ but it wasn’t really a part,” said Rialto’s friend Sandra Young. “I mean, I came over and he had a camera set up in front of his couch. He was acting really funny, so I just kind of sat there. All of a sudden I’m one of the ‘stars.’ Whatever. I really have no desire to watch 23 minutes of him crying on his couch about how his mom never really loved him. You know what? I really think I need to not hang around (Rialto) anymore. He’s kind of a tool.”

Despite the low number of viewers, Rialto says he will continue with plans for a sequel to “Seven Shades of Mauve.”

“I’m going to keep pushing ‘Mauve” and I’m going to keep on schedule with production on ‘Seven Shades of Mauve 2: Gray Eyes, Grey Heart,’” said Rialto. “More people will see my stuff. I know they will. YouTube can go to hell. Vimeo is where it’s at now.”