FLAGSTAFF, AZ – The much anticipated and celebrated 300th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper.

PHOENIX, AZ – Coworkers of Jorge Nunez were amazed to find out that the fine, upstanding young man had at least one tattoo.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – Upon leaving a screening of the Oscar winning movie No Country for Old Men, Jim Benjamin and his wife Martha, both 65, announced that they had no idea what the movie was about.

CHARLSETON, NC – All over the country, many schools and parent groups are turning to a new form of sex education called Abstinence in Hand. The program, which was developed by a Parent Teacher Organization group in Cleveland, Ohio stresses that the only way for a teenager to become fully abstinent is to masturbate at least five times a day.

LAS VEGAS, NV – The Excalibur Hotel and Casino is set to debut the highly anticipated new show, the Blew Man Group. The show features four men, painted head to toe in blue paint, giving each other blow jobs.

WILLIAMSON, NJ – In an effort to celebrate Black History Month, John Henderson, a Caucasian, decided that he would date Carol Daniels, an African American woman. Henderson asked Daniels out on February first, the beginning of the celebratory month.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study conducted by the Harvard University English Department proves what many Americans have known for years: writing news briefs is difficult.

TEMPE, AZ – In a single day, the record for lost virginity in a 24 hour period was shattered at Arizona State University.

GREENSVILLE, KY – In an effort to appeal to the so called “Hip-Hop” generation, New Christian Publishing has announced plans to release a new, hip-hop inspired version of the Bible.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With the worldwide success of the movie Slumdog Millionaire, old white people all over America are being reminded how lucky it is that they are white.