WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama’s administration has released details on its proposal for overhauling the U.S. health care system. The plan, which would give nearly 90% of American’s free health care, is centered around reducing the number of Americans via free abortions and free assisted suicides.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to stop the increase of states allowing gay marriage, senior Republican Senators and Christian leaders have adopted a new tactic.

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan – After suffering several military defeats in recent weeks, the Taliban is calling for a return to peace talks and to prove its willingness to comply with any new cease fire, Taliban officials have distributed puppies and kittens to every household within the capital city.
“(The Taliban) want peace and we want to give people of Pakistan peace.”

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK – Shortly after their kiss-kam performance on the AT&T Bricktown Ballpark Jumbotron, local couple Leon Trendle and Sarah Jo Neller felt regret.

HONOLULU, HI – In a recent press conference, Jesus H. Christ apologized for making an inappropriate joke about the swine flu during an appearance on “Jimmy Kimmel Live!.” The joke, which implied that the swine flu started after a Mexican citizen had sex with a pig, has caused a huge backlash against the spiritual leader.

LAKEWOOD, CO – In an effort to motivate his favorite team, the Colorado Rockies, super fan Justin Tracy has undergone a cutting edge procedure to have more Team Spirit injected into his body.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States government has agreed to allow financial institutions the opportunity to pay for the naming rights on American prisons.

JUAREZ, MEXICO – South American pigs have released a deadly, genetic terrorist attack on the world in the form of a swine flu virus. To date, over 150 people have died from the attack and another several thousand have contracted the disease.
Shortly after reports of the attack began to appear, the leader of the Animalism Swine Liberation Force released a video taking credit for the attack.

EL SEGUNDO, CA – As the economy continues to struggle, not even celebrities are immune to the downturn and this week Barbie announced that her house is facing foreclosure.
According to bank records, Barbie has defaulted on several of her recent mortgage payments, ultimately forcing the foreclosure of her $200 million dollar “dream” home.

SEATTLE, WA – With the enormous success of the video game Rock Band, MTV Games has announced plans to extend the video game line with the addition of at least two news games scheduled to release this yea