Trump Approves New War on Christmas Monument

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Artist’s rendering of the new War on Christmas monument featuring a white, Christian male yelling “Merry Christmas” at non-Christians.
Artist’s rendering of the new War on Christmas monument featuring a white, Christian male yelling “Merry Christmas” at non-Christians.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has approved the commission and construction of a new national monument to honor the lives lost in the War on Christmas.

“I ended the war on Christmas,” said Trump. “And it was so easy, I don’t know why Obama could never end it. Probably because he was too busy hiding his African birth certificate. Do you think Crooked Hillary would have ended the war? No. I’m so smart, no one really knows how smart I am. I mean I’m so smart that I immediately looked at the problem and solved it. No one in the history of war has ended a war as amazingly as I have. It truly is a major victory, that’s why we’re building the monument. Oh and I’m totally going to lock Hillary up.”

The memorial was designed by artist Trent Peterson and features a white man wearing a red stocking-cap, standing next to a stern-faced Jesus Christ, shouting “Merry Christmas” at what appears to be Jewish, Muslim and Hindu figures.

“With this piece, this monument, I really wanted to capture the struggle of white Christians throughout the entirety of the horrible, horrible War on Christmas,” said Peterson. “I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that no other group of people have ever been as persecuted as Christians during Christmas. It was a struggle every single day. All we want to do is shout our love for Christmas at everyone we saw, and then they, these other groups, wanting us to include their holidays too. It was disgusting. This monument will honor those brave… souls… excuse me, I get a little emotional. This will honor those brave souls that saved us from those people wanting their ‘Jewish Christmas’, of whatever it’s called, included in our Christmas. God bless them.”

The monument will be located on the National Mall in Washington DC, just in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Initial designs list the monument as over 600 feet tall and will cost $9 billion.

Trump has requested that the monument feature an inscription be included proclaiming “The Best President Trump’s War on Christmas Memorial That He Won and He is the Best President and Most Popular Ever Memorial.”

“It’s going to fantastic, the greatest memorial that anyone has ever seen,” said Trump. “And it’s going to be so huge, just like the crowd at my inauguration. I had the biggest inauguration in the history of inaugurations. But you know what? Those fake news stations don’t ever report that. Every single person in the US, no, the world was at my inauguration. It was so big and I’m the smartest president in the history of everything. No collusion!”

Before hearing the entire question about his thoughts on the memorial, Donald Trump supporter Ben McKinney said “President Trump is doing what needs to be done. Those migrants deserved what they got and lock her up and there are bad people on both sides and America is back to work and Global Warming ain’t real and there is no collusion and it’s not racist to say ni…”


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