FREDERICK, VA – Attendees of a current training course for Food and Drug Administration Inspectors agree that the trainer of the course has spent far too much time discussing personal issues.

ORLANDO, FL – Although her family members and friends have tried to explain it, local Grandmother Helen LaFornte doesn’t understand “the Kony thing.”

TUCSON, AZ – The lack of an iPad gift this year has proved to local seven-year-old Gracie Martinez that Jesus doesn’t exist and that there is no such thing as god.

ATLANTA, GA – In the wake of a national shortage of turkeys, the FDA in conjunction with the American Farmers Association has released a list of turkey alternatives for the upcoming holiday season.

AFTERLIFE – Long-time members of the famous 27 Club are voicing concerns that the club is no longer exclusive as more people are allowed to become members.

LAKEWOOD, CO – As the deadline to make a deal came and went last week, Kevin Garmin, the Commissioner of the Jefferson County Youth Football Association (JCYFA) has announced that the league will be locking out the players for the upcoming season, effective immediately.

The lockout comes after negotiations between the league and the Youth Football Players Association on a new collective bargaining agreement (CBA) broke down.

MOGADISHU, SOMALIA – The hijacking of a ship containing 23 goats, three Michael Jackson look-a-likes, 107 boxes of “Dancing With The Stars” DVDs and a British Couple has caused an international incident.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Television actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas has landed the starring role in the next complete Hollywood meltdown.

CHICAGO, IL – A recent article in The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) has provided the clearest link between the rise of MRSA infections and the increase in popularity of Justin Bieber.

LAS VEGAS, NV – With Las Vegas struggling to attract tourists, the city and its business leaders have begun to make changes that will hopefully bring more people to the city.