Santa Co. Announces Elf, Reindeer Layoffs

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NORTH POLE – Santa Co. has announced that it will be laying off 30% of its workforce to reduce costs in the wake of rising labor and material costs.

“We don’t make this decision without trying every other option,” said Santa Co., Chief Financial Officer , Steve Castle. “But the economy, you know? We have an obligation to our shareholders and those shareholders need to make their money. So, we can either pay our shareholders and our executives what they want or we can pay our staff. Easy decision, really. And no one really cares about elves anyway. We don’t. Obviously.”

The bulk of the layoffs will be from the workshop and reindeer areas.

“We will be cutting the number of reindeer from… however many we have now to about three,” said Santa Co. Operations Manager, Dinky the Elf. “That alone will help us save a lot of money because the upkeep of reindeer is extremely expensive. And all they do is eat and poop for 364 days a year. Just a waste of money. The added benefit is that once we layoff the reindeer we can eat them. Oh, don’t look at me like that. Everyone knows we eat reindeer. It’s old news.”

Castle says the timing of the layoffs coming weeks after workshop employees unionizing is just “coincidence.”

“The layoffs are not at all a direct response to the recent union vote by those greedy little elves down there,” said Castle. “I don’t know who they think they are or what they hope to prove with this union bullshit but… yeah, this was a really hard decision about the company’s ability to continue. It breaks our heart to have to let so many of our Santa Co. family members go… even if they are greedy little turds that formed a union even after we explicitly told them we would lay everyone off if they did.”

Higher materials and transportation costs will be addressed by Santa Co. as the company looks to outsource some of its production.

“We are looking at a number of places like Vietnam and Indonesia,” said Dinky. “See, as an Elf, I can tell you that Elves want certain… things, which help them get through the day. Things like candy and soda and prostitutes. Those things cost money. If we were to move operations to, let’s say Vietnam, we can hire local children and they would be a lot cheaper than an Elf. Seriously though, Elves love pussy so our prostitute budget is through the roof.”

Santa Co. Chief Executive Officer, Santa Claus, has not addressed the layoffs but has issued a statement saying that he supports any and all efforts to keep the company profitable and maintain as much of the current workforce as possible.

“(Claus) cares,” said Dinky. “He doesn’t care about… like every individual elf, but he cares. Sometimes. But, between you and me, he doesn’t give a shit about the reindeer at all. All they are to him is a cheap source of meat and the occasional ‘companion’ on those cold, lonely nights. So we’re going to start selling reindeer meat. If you know anyone who likes that kinda thing, hit us up.”


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