BAGHDAD, Iraq – In a survey conducted last month, just under half of Iraqi teens said they are much better now with one or more less parents.

MAMOUTH, NH – Months of speculation came to an end last Thursday as Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry announced his running mate – a golden retriever puppy.

SNOWFLAKE, AZ – After seven months of intense preparation and careful planning, Daniel Short-Tree, a member of the White Mountain Apache Indian Tribe in Arizona, has filled a lawsuit against the country of England. The suit, witch seeks $2,000,000,000 in punitive damages, accuses England of inflicting undue hardship and emotional distress upon Short-Tree and his family. Among the causes of Short-Tree’s alleged distress is England’s persecution of the Puritans, causing the religious group to immigrate to the Americas “thus beginning the end to Short-Tree’s family claim on the land.”

STERLING, VA – During a closed meeting in Vatican City last week it was decided that the Catholic Church, which has recently been facing both monetary and moral trouble, will be sold in full to the worldwide fast food chain McDonald’s. Both the Pope and Edgar Steves, McDonald’s spokesman were pleased with the new venture and expressed optimism for the sweeping changes to both the religious and fast food worlds that this merger will bring forth.

AUSTIN, TX – In a daring move that shows his wild and independent nature, Gordon Vassen, 22, has applied two stickers featuring ‘big tittied naked devil chicks’ to the rear window of his 1997 Ford Explorer.

BURBANK, CA – During a purchase of the Barenaked Ladies’ CD Stunt, Spin Me Right Round Records clerk Reggie “Egg” Stork expressed his disapproval of customer Brad Wilburton’s music selection.

LAWRENCE, KS – Kansas State Education officials again shocked the education world this week by announcing that it will remove all Math, Science and Social studies related materials from its classrooms due to both moral and funding reasons.

KANSAS CITY, KS – The morning after his debut at the Kelgloss Gallery in downtown Kansas City, local artist Enrich Fellstone lashed out against the residents of the city calling them “Neanderthals that wouldn’t know real art if it came right up to them and fucked their sister.”

ANAHEIM, CA – Last week, Rabbi Jacob Silverman called for a national boycott of Universal Studios and its parent company, Seagram, because of the theme park’s recent addition of the new thrill ride, “Mr. Schindler’s Wild Ride.”

SEATTLE, WA – At a press conference earlier this week Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft and worlds most wealthy human, announced that he has acquired the publishing rights for the worlds all time best-selling book; the Bible.