HOLLYWOOD, CA – Ho! Ly! Cow people! It seems like it has been for ever since I wrote a column for you guys. I know! I’ve missed you too.

SEATTLE, WA – Developers have released some details of an eagerly anticipated video game, the third part in the best-selling “Geriatric” Series.

NEWARK, DE – Several employees of CPTB Industries have described the Christmas decorations in a co-workers cubicle as “a little over the top.”

AUSTIN, TX – A solution to concerns over redistricting and illegal immigration is being proposed by Texas lawmakers to address a recent slew of lawsuits surrounding the 2010 census.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A new bear preserve will be opening later this month in Mill Valley. Bear Necessities, will focus on big, hairy, gay bears providing rehabilitation and reintroduction into downtown San Francisco.

“Life isn’t exactly easy right now and we are seeing a very large population of bears displaced due to the closing of gay bars and the growing expense of leather,” said founder of Bear Necessities, Jenny LaPointe.

O. M. G! Can you believe this? It is I, your corpulent collaborator of cool, and I am back with another dishing of gossip and goodness.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States government has agreed to allow financial institutions the opportunity to pay for the naming rights on American prisons.

WASHINGTON, DC – In an unexpected move, the United States Supreme Court has ruled that polygamy will be declared legal as long as certain requirements are met. Among the requirements are stipulations that only men can have multiple wives, the wives must be hot and each wife is expected to service the man sexually whenever he wants or needs it.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – While waiting for a ruling on his appeals, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby has been busy in his free time reviewing images for his first prison tattoo.

WASHHINGTON, D.C. – Almost a year after suffering tremendous losses in both state and federal government seats, the Democratic Party announced that it might have just maybe figured out a possible platform. Possibly.