FAYETTEVILLE, AR – University of Arkansas English Professor Oliver Mueller has officially given up on correcting the English his student use in his classroom.

PALO ALTO, CA – College student Conor Daniels is in the final stages of completing his Halloween costume. A project that has taken him nine months, and several hundred dollars to finish.

TEMPE, AZ – In a single day, the record for lost virginity in a 24 hour period was shattered at Arizona State University.

AUSTIN, TX – Anticipating an emotionally difficult winter break, Brown University freshman Dylan Grayson is preparing a speech to let his parents know he’s gay. The Winter school break will be the first time Grayson has seen his parents since the school year started in August and according to Grayson, his parents are unaware of his homosexuality.

CINCINNATI, OH – A local warehouse is being transformed into something frightening this month for the upcoming Halloween holiday. The Suburban Scare House will open this week and while it will offer frights for all ages, one specific group is targeted with this new haunted house – white, soccer moms.

WASINGTON, DC – The Department of Health and Human Services has issued a statement and simultaneously released a new warning system to track threats posed by skanks. The new system comes just weeks before the spring skank increase experienced annually in America’s warmer climates.

OMAHA, NE – Sitting in his cubicle, Desktop Information Technology employee Garret Cutler dreams of, and is preparing for, the day when he will be called upon to save the world with his batch file writing skills.

WASHHINGTON, D.C. – Almost a year after suffering tremendous losses in both state and federal government seats, the Democratic Party announced that it might have just maybe figured out a possible platform. Possibly.

WALA WALA, WA – After an intense investigation by both the FBI and INTERPOL, officials from both agencies have announced that they have arrested Oberon Junior High student Adam Kent, 14, in connection with several high profile weather related crimes, including the recent tsunami in Indonesia.

BAGHBAD, IRAQ – With the deadline to transfer control of Iraq looming closer, President George W. Bush told the United Nations on June 15 that a suitable new Government has finally been found.