BROOKLYN, NY – In an effort to share resources and save money, Ambulance companies have begun co-operating with Chinese food restaurants.

PHOENIX, AZ – While it’s been several months since former President Bush left office, his administration’s immigration plan is starting to come together as Mexican nationals are leaving to return to Mexico.

GUANTÁNAMO BAY, CUBA – Six Flags, Inc, operators of several theme parks in both the US and Canada, has purchased the controversial Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp and will turn the area into a new, family oriented theme park.

GLENDALE, AZ – A register total almost announced the arrival of the apocalypse but thanks to quick thinking, the end time was avoided at the last second with another purchase.

PORTLAND, OR – According to a new survey conducted by Time magazine, the top resolution for 2009 is to stop masturbating. The survey, conducted over three months, interviewed close to a million people.

NORTH POLE – For the 60th year in a row, Osama bin Ladin will receive a chunk of coal in his stocking. Santa Claus announced the decision during a C-SPAN interview last week.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Studio executives have completed a deal that will allow actress Elizabeth Banks to appear in every single film until 2010. Banks currently stars in only 60% of feature films released in the U.S.

SAN DIEGO, CA – After almost an hour of continuous bad behavior by his three children, Dennis Feagley, stopped his car along Interstate 10, stating that he had finally “had it up to here!”

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – Upon leaving a screening of the Oscar winning movie No Country for Old Men, Jim Benjamin and his wife Martha, both 65, announced that they had no idea what the movie was about.

CHARLSETON, NC – All over the country, many schools and parent groups are turning to a new form of sex education called Abstinence in Hand. The program, which was developed by a Parent Teacher Organization group in Cleveland, Ohio stresses that the only way for a teenager to become fully abstinent is to masturbate at least five times a day.