Leaks Shine New Light on Pope Selection Process

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Two candidates for Pope leg wrestle in the Vatican.
Two candidates for Pope leg wrestle in the Vatican.
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VATICAN CITY – Now that a new Pope, Francis I, has taken his place as the head of the Catholic Church, details are beginning to leak as to just how the new Pope was elected.

“It turns out that Popes aren’t elected just by ballot but also by little competitions – the most interesting being a leg wrestling match,” said Winston Gorbiel, Professor of Religious Studies at Stanford. “It’s weird to think of the Vatican becoming a weird frat-guy-like hazing house but I guess that’s the way they do things behind closed doors. While I’m surprised by leg wrestling and some of the other stuff, I’m also really, and I mean really, glad to hear the whole election process doesn’t involve little boys. Because, well, you know.”

The leaks, if proved to be true, are the first insight in to the process the Catholic Church uses to elect a new Pope.

“I’ve always wondered how they do it, and now I kinda know. Maybe,” said Kevin Morrison, a life long Catholic. “I mean it’s kind of weird, but when you think about it so is the whole religion. I really don’t care how they do it; I just want them to make the right decision. And by that, I mean that they elect the oldest, most out of touch with the real world guy in the room. Because that’s what we really need. We need someone to tell us that we should believe and act like it’s the year 1400.”

Religious scholars have long speculated as to what the election process entailed but few admit to thinking that such things as a leg wrestling competition would be involved.

“We thought the conclave just used a ballot system and whoever got the most votes won. You know, like Survivor,” said Harvard Theology Professor Christopher Offerman. “But now we are beginning to see the process in a whole new way. I guess there is a lot more to it. It turns out the process is more like Fear Factor or Road Rules or a show like that. There is so much more to the whole process that we are just getting our heads around it. I think the leg wrestling makes a lot of sense, because really, you want a leader that has good leg strength. But I’m really surprised that Magic: The Gathering has a role in the process.”

Aside from the leg wrestling and Magic: The Gathering tournaments, other methods that are said to be used in the selection process are Rock-Paper-Scissors, Halo tournaments and an actual pissing contest.

“Rumor is that they line up the top picks, have them whip their dicks out and see who can pee the farthest and longest,” Offerman said. “What this shows, I have know idea. I mean, you’ve always heard about pissing contests, but when have you ever known one to actually exist? Well, now you do.”

The Vatican and other Catholic leaders have not confirmed or denied the accuracy of the leaks. Instead the Vatican and Catholic leaders shrug and respond with “who knows? Maybe we do, maybe we don’t” when asked about the leaks and the Pope selection process.

“I think that they’re right to not divulge exactly what’s going on behind closed doors,” Gorbiel said. “The church has always relied on mystery to get to its followers, and that’s what has drawn people to the church. The people don’t know, or don’t want to know, what goes on behind the scenes. I mean, they kinda know what’s going on with the whole sex abuse stuff, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the closed door happenings. Damn, there really isn’t any way to say this type stuff without bringing up the whole sex thing, is there?”


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