DETROIT, MI – After failing to make the first Super Bowl appearance in the team’s history, the Detroit Loins have announced a blockbuster trade – sending wide receiver Josh Reynolds to New York for rapper and singer Nicki Minaj.

SALEM, OR – After almost five years of waiting, local man James Beal, 29, has announced that the new video game, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (TOTK), has not made his life complete.

NORTH POLE – To help offset his carbon footprint, Santa Claus has announced that he has converted his sleigh from reindeer power to electric power.

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX – A teenager on vacation with his family announced that he will just stay in the room, alone, while the rest of the family goes to a hotel pool.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – As summer approaches and businesses begin reopening in full, people across the country are looking forward to heading out to their local movie theater to catch the newest summer blockbuster films.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Cirque Du Soleil will be debuting a new show based on the life and music of GG Allin this month. The new show, Cirque Du Soleil: Eat My Fuc, is named after one of Allin’s earliest releases.

SEATTLE, WA – The company behind the popular Dungeons & Dragons role playing game has announced a new expansion set giving players more options for character classes and new campaigns.

COLUMBUS, OH – Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic are studying soccer players around the world for their unique ability to recover quickly from injury.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – The new installment of the Star Wars franchise, Episode VIII, ‘The Last Jedi,’ is still several months away from hitting theaters but rumors about the plot have started hitting the internet.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The investigation in to Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email during her time as United States Secretary of State has revealed more than 80 percent of the emails sent or received by Clinton were Twilight fan fiction and pantsuit catalogs.

“(The FBI) reviewed all available emails and while we found nothing to indicate a violation of any law, we did find a shockingly large number of Twilight fan fiction stories and pantsuit catalogs,” said FBI Director, James Comey.