Old, White Man Nostalgic for Time When He Only Had to Hate One Thing

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An old, white man has expressed nostalgia for a time when he didn't have to hate so many things.
An old, white man has expressed nostalgia for a time when he didn't have to hate so many things.
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BROOKHAVEN, GA – A local old, white man is feeling nostalgic for a time when he only had to hate one thing instead of almost everything.

Thomas Walter Eastman, 79, told his grandkids at a recent family event that he has been feeling overwhelmed by the number of things he has to hate and that he misses the “goodol’ days when he just had ta hate one thing!”

“Well, I tell ya, there sure is a lot these days that I’m spose’ ta hate. It just ain’t like the old days,” said Eastman. “I, well, I spend a fair amount of my day these days just sittin’ here hatin’ when, back when I was a youngin, I was able ta get all my hatin’ done in the morn’ and go about my day.”

According to Eastman, when he was growing up there was only one thing to hate – communism.

“Back in the good ol’ days we would just sit on the front porch and hate communism,” said Eastman. “Gosh, that sure was nice. Everyone was so nice back then and everything was nice. Not like today. Today I gotta hate so many people and so many things. I tell ya, it’s hard ta keep track. I mean there’s the dark skin people. There’s the light skinned people, and there’s the gays, and there’s the furries, and there’s the comic book fellas. Makes me want to just go back to hatin’ communists but I guess I can’t ‘cus I think I’m supposed to like them now.”

Instead of hating just one thing, Eastman says he now has to hate over 3,000 things with new things to hate added daily.

“Lemmie see here, I gotta get my list out,” said Eastman. “Hmmm… ok, looks like as of this week I need ta start hatin’ New York City Judges, free tax software, Ken Burns… now that’s a darn shame. I really enjoyed that baseball documentary he did, but I guess I need ta start hatin’ that too. Of course, this is all on top of all the other stuff I gotta be getting around ta hatin’. It’s like a gosh darn full-time job! I should be getting paid for all this hatin’ I’m doin’.”

Eastman has also expressed frustration with the number of news and opinion outlets he must subscribe to in order to keep track of the things he is supposed to hate.

“Used ta be that all I had ta turn on was my radio to find out what I had ta hate that day,” said Eastman. “Now? Now I gotta go on this site, and that channel, and read this internet website all ta find out what I’m supposed ta do on any given day. It’s gosh darned exhausting.”

Family members of Eastman have suggested that he simply not hate things but Eastman has been resistant to that idea.

“Really all it boils down to is that if he didn’t watch Fox (News) or read anything on the internet, (Eastman) wouldn’t have to hate anyone,” said Eastman’s nephew, Ronny Gruth. “The other day I went over there and he was going on and on about how much he hated Bronie. When I asked him what a Bronie was, he couldn’t tell me… he just knew that he had to hate on them. It really is sad, because I know, in my heart of hearts, that if her watched just one episode of ‘Friendship is Magic’ he would totally relate to Rainbow Dash.”

Despite what his family says, Eastman has no intention of changing his habits.

“I just gotta stay the course,” said Eastman. “One of these days I won’t have ta care about Transformers or GoBots or anything like that, and I can just get back ta hating the Commies. That’s my hope, at least.”


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