VATICAN CITY – Now that a new Pope, Francis I, has taken his place as the head of the Catholic Church, details are beginning to leak as to just how the new Pope was elected.

AUSTIN, TX – A solution to concerns over redistricting and illegal immigration is being proposed by Texas lawmakers to address a recent slew of lawsuits surrounding the 2010 census.

CHICAGO, IL – A recent article in The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) has provided the clearest link between the rise of MRSA infections and the increase in popularity of Justin Bieber.

VATICAN CITY – In an effort to prevent further molestation of young boys by priests in the Catholic Church, the Pope has announced a change to the way mass will be conducted. Young boys will no longer participate in mass and in their place priests will use young, attractive women.

“There willa be ah no morea alter boys inna the church,” said Cardinal Antonio Cassius of Italy.

BOISE, ID – For the fifth straight year, Robert Winslow’s New Year’s resolution has not lasted past the first minute of the New Year. This year’s resolution, a vow not to call his mother-in-law Tasha Dogone a “stupid, dirty whore,” was broken in 42 seconds.

SANTA FE, NM – Christians are flocking to Santa Fe, to see what some are saying is the image of Jesus Christ that has appeared in a painting of Jesus Christ.

WASHINGTON, DC – Facing stiff competition from Democrats and declining support, many Republican candidates have begun restructuring their platforms and in some cases, straying from conservative support, if only slightly. The biggest change comes in the form of several Republican Presidential candidates now supporting abortion – but only for Hispanics.

LONDON, ENGLAND – Jesus Christ, religious figurehead for millions, will not be returning to Earth this month as was previously scheduled. This latest announcement marks the 11th time Christ has postponed his return to Earth in the past 200 years.

LOS GATOS, CA – While most Americans were celebrating the holiday season with their friends and family, the Castero family of Los Gatos were secretly thankful that one family member had passed away.

LONDON – Rabbits all over the world will celebrate the life and death of their lord and savior, Peter Cottontail, this month with a massive gathering in a farm just outside of London.