BERKLEY, CA – Three major gasoline companies gave in to pressure from local protestors this week and lowered gas prices by 15 cents. This marks the first time that gas companies have ever reduced the price of gas because of protests.

ATHENS, GA – The controversy over steroids in sports continued this week as it was revealed that this year’s Spellympics champion, Conner Stersky age 10, may have been using performance enhancing steroids before and during last month’s competition.

CONCORD, NH – After a brief manhunt, Jack Frost turned himself in to local authorities late last week to face charges of sexual misconduct and molestation. According to police reports, six separate snowmen and three snow-angels have accused Frost of fondling and “naughty touching” during various parties at Frost’s Lebanon, NH home.

PORTLAND, OR – After winning a recent Powerball Lottery drawing worth nearly 300 million dollars, Jesus Christ has decided to give nearly two-thirds of the money away. The money will be given away as part of an essay contest held between the different Christian denominations.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Well boys and girls, it’s that time of year again. The time when a young man’s thoughts turn to desire and the beautiful only get beautifuler. Yup, it’s summer, and I for one haven’t been this excited for a season sine the 1990 baseball season when that saucy Lenny Dykstra was playing for the New York Mets. Let me tell you, that summer I watched that little firecracker play while I played my own little baseball game, in my crotch! But enough about my teen years, lets get to the business at hand, and that business is summer trends.

HELL – In an attempt to improve its image and promote a happier atmosphere, Hell has hired a new marketing firm and image consultant. Blake, Stein and Wills Marketing will take over all public relations and advertising for the underworld getaway in an effort to “bring back the luster and mystique that Hades deserves.”

BEAUMONT, OR – In the tiny town of Beaumont, Oregon, a town that’s had only one murder in the past five years, two violent gangs have emerged and waged a bitter battle on the streets of the sleepy berg. The gangs, the East and West Side Saturn Clubs, have over run the town and have driven the 50,000+ residents into their homes.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – This month The Scoop News released its annual Hottest Guy of the Year award and let me be the first to say that I, for one, am not surprised at all. And I shouldn’t be surprised because I’m the one who came up with this crazy thing, but that’s beside the point. Anyways, who is this years top Stud? Well, none other than Senator Orrin Hatch. Yes, that’s right. That crazy little Republican from Utah has won many hearts this year and the least of which is this humble reporter’s.

IRVINE, CA – With pressure from the government and religious groups mounting, Hollywood executives and filmmakers are now blaming the amount of violence and sexual content in movies on Orange County resident Steve Prost. In a formal statement issued jointly by the Screen Actors Guild and executives of Warner Brothers, Dreamworks and Paramount Pictures, Prost is listed as the primary cause for the success of recent violent films including “Matrix” and “Gladiator.”

MONTREAL, QC – Inspired by the recent opening of Disney’s California Adventure theme park, the Canadian Tourism Commission has unveiled plans for a Canadian themed amusement park. The park, located just north of Montreal will feature rides and exhibits highlighting the Canadian “way of life.”