SAN ANTONIO, TX – Local man Jared Waterton says that he is no longer comfortable in his football-themed man-cave.

LOS ANGELES, CA – After selling over a million copies of her debut album, rocker Terra Tory is looking forward to the new year and is eager to disappoint both fans and critics alike with her new album.

DENVER, CO – A lifetime of silliness was validated last week when local man Christopher Meens finally appeared on the Jumbotron during a Colorado Avalanche hockey game.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Although several weeks have passed since the office holiday party, office administrator Carrie Hoplight, refuses to forgive coworker Jenny Matthews for stealing the gift she wanted.

SAN DIEGO, CA – A new stroller capable of holding up to five children is about to hit the market and industry experts say it may just revolutionize the stroller industry.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Holy freaking guacamole you guys! It has been, like, forever since I was last able to grace your eye holes with my everlasting words of wisdom!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pokémon Dewgong, a white sea lion like creature, has been added to Endangered Species list the by the International Union for Conservation of Nature.

The creature has been hunted to near extinction in recent weeks as a result of the popularity of the Pokémon Go game.

“In a lot of ways Pokémon Go has been the worst thing to happen to this world but it has been specifically terrible to the poor little Dewgong,” said Pokémon scientist Kellie Peters.

ST. PAUL, MN – Shortly after presenting his newest invention Thomas Dollbe had to come to terms with the realization that the world may not be ready for cars powered by human feces.

SAN MATEO, CA – During Heather Freiberg’s birthday dinner, the girl at the end of the table gathered all the used plates and silverware in to easily moveable piles because she said she was once a server and “knows what it’s like.”