SAN FRANCISCO, CA – After months of social and political pressure, social media companies will soon begin offering an option that will allow users to decline becoming racist.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking Post-Election revelation, the source of the mysterious Qanon conspiracy theory has been revealed to be the marketing team for the soft drink Mountain Dew.

HELL – In an effort to increase its public perception, Hell has begun offering social media influencers incentives for promoting Hell.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to reports, White House staff has removed all clocks that mark the turn of the hour with a sound from White House grounds because President Donald Trump gets confused by the sound, asks “who’s there?”, and remains motionless until someone responds.

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple has pulled its new Measure app from iPhones and iPads after thousands of men complain the app does not accurately measure the length of their penises.

AUSTIN, TX – An awkward silence has persisted in the Kingston Medical Supply office after an employee sneezed and farted at the same time.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Panelists and the host of Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN are stuck in an infinite loop as show producers scramble to get the program back on track.

WASHINGTON, DC – Several phsyicians have proposed a sweeping review of all medical procedure names with the possibility of renaming those procedures to “something a little happier.”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – With the job market becoming increasingly competitive, being a good employee that works hard and works efficiently is more important than ever.

ANN ARBOR, MI – The president of the Ann Arbor School District Parent Teacher Association is denying allegations that Russia influenced recent PTA elections.