Group of Pedophiles to Help Find Missing Nigerian Girls
Published May 2014ABUJA, Nigeria – In what is being seen by many as a “last ditch effort” to find the kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls, the United States has committed a new group to aid in finding the young girls.
Republicans Condemn 4th Grader’s Science Project
Published March 2014WASHINGTON, DC – Republican members of congress have condemned a science project from 4th grader Jakob Bistrup that hypothesizes too much heat and not enough water can kill plants.
“(Bistrup’s science project) is just another example of junk science that democrats are trying to convince us all that it’s true so they can shut down all our cars and coal factories,” said Republican Senator, Ron Nillwest of Iowa.
Local Residents Not Surprised by Tragedy
Published November 2013LEXINGTON, SC – The people of Lexington were not surprised at all with the tragedy that occurred earlier this week. The tragic events, which left the nation stunned, had little impact on the residents of the community.
“Yeah, no, I wasn’t surprised by it at all, said Lexington resident Jasper Kneeper.
Networks Unveil New Shows for Fall Television Season
Published September 2013HOLLYWOOD, CA – Over the last several weeks television networks have started rolling out their Fall schedule.
NSA Access Permanent School Records
Published August 2013WASHINGTON, DC – With approval from both Congress and the President, The National Security Agency now has access to every American’s permanent school records.
Every student who attended a school in America has a permanent record that contains information on the student including performance and disciplinary issues.
“We’ve been telling kids for generations that their permanent file will come back to haunt them and now it has,” said Department of Education Secretary, Arne Duncan.
Local Teen to “Take A Year Off” After High School
Published May 2013WAYNESVILLE, IN – Local high school student, Roy Garfield, told his family that after graduation he will not be going to college in the fall and that he plans on just “taking a year off and just relaxing.”
Republicans to Teach Base How to Use Internet
Published May 2013WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to increase their social media presence and communicate their platform more efficiently to younger Americans, the Republican Party has started a program to teach its base how to use the internet.
“Republicans need to start tweeting and Facebooking and Yelping and they just need to start being online more. A lot more,” said Republican Strategist William Smithson.
Local Man Says He “Totally Won’t Watch Pro Sports”
Published January 2013FARGO, ND – After becoming frustrated with the recent NHL lockout, local man Garry Broderick has told his friends and family that he has “given up on those assholes” associated with professional sports.
NRA Releases New Plan for School Safety
Published December 2012FAIRFAX, VA – After receiving tremendous backlash to its response to the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting late last year, the National Rifle Association has released a new response suggesting that each school in the country should deploy robotic sentry guards.
“We realize that our comments after the Sandy Hook tragedy were not very popular and made (the NRA) look like horrible monsters but that’s not who the NRA is. The NRA cares about guns and people. Not just guns. But mostly guns.”
Poll: 87% of Americans Think Polls are 47% Wrong
Published October 2012CHICAGO, IL – In a recent poll of over 25% of the American population, 87% of responders said they think polls are 47% inaccurate.