HEAVEN – During his annual New Year’s Day address to Earth, God said he is planning to “wrap it up” in 2024.
“You know, we’ve been doing this for a long time, and lately, I’ve been thinking about all the things that I’ve accomplished over the years. As I look ahead… I think it’s time to wrap it up,” said God. “It’s time, I think. And things have all started to line up in a way that the end just seems right. And don’t worry, by the end of the year you will all be very, very thankful that I’m wrapping it up.”
God did not specify how he would “wrap it up” but those closest to him say that he has been working on plans for ending all life for the last couple of years.
“Contrary to what a lot of people think, God doesn’t really get involved down there very often. He’s a very ‘hand’s-off’ type of god,” said angel Renquist. “But he does pay attention. It’s kinda like you all are his favorite show and he just watches as you all do your thing. And since he has been paying attention then, well, you know… over the last couple of years he’s been getting ready to end it all since you all are apparently ready to go.”
While there are several options available for ending life, God’s friends caution that God does like surprises.
“There are so many obvious, classic even, choices like war and famine or pestilence but God likes surprises,” said demigod Peter. “Just look at the dinosaurs. Those guys had no idea that a giant rock from the sky was going to come down and blow the environment to shit. So while there are so many options that seem logical… just keep a bit of your brain ready for something outta left field. Something really crazy.”
Many of those on Earth that listened to God’s New Year’s Day Address say that are not worried about God’s plan and welcome an end to life.
“To be honest, I’m not sure what’s taken him so long,” said New York resident, Dan Levine. “Maybe he wanted to just see if we could recover a bit from 2020 but we obviously haven’t so… yeah. I guess I won’t worry about that colonoscopy I’m supposed to get next year. Oh, and I think I’m going to finally ask out Serena in Accounting. I mean the worlds going to end, might as well try to get as many skins as I can before that happens.”
Although he seems to have implied during his address that things will get worse on earth, God did not give details.
“Again, I hate to keep referring back to the dinosaurs but when God likes to end things he likes to go out with a bang. A big bang,” said Peter. “Get it? That’s a pretty good joke right there if you get it. I’m not saying that’s what’s going to happen but you can bet there will be a big explosion of some sort involved. Unless that’s part of his surprise. Hmmmm. He’s tricky so… again, only he knows. And he may not know yet. Maybe he’ll just wing it.”
While God’s exact timeline has not been revealed, many followers are speculating that he will get started as soon as possible.
“Yeah, I think it’ll be like a New Year’s Resolution,” said Levine. “You know, he’s going to be all gung-ho here right at the beginning of the year, set a lot of stuff in motion, but by like March, he’ll kind of have given up. But then in October, he’ll realize that the year is almost over and then he’ll get his shit together and do some random-ass crazy shit. You know, like a crackhead when they get a bit of energy. Yeah, that’s how I would do it.”