Anna Nicole Smith's Body To Star In New Reality TV Show
Published February 2009LOS ANGELES – Anna Nicole’s dead, rotting body will be the star of a brand new reality show on E Entertainment Television. The show, which will be called “Over Anna Nicole’s Dead Body,” has already begun production and will air this Spring.
Slumdog Millionaire Makes White People Thankful They're White
Published January 2009HOLLYWOOD, CA – With the worldwide success of the movie Slumdog Millionaire, old white people all over America are being reminded how lucky it is that they are white.
Budweiser To Sponsor Local Man's Liver Disease
Published June 2008ST. LOUIS, MO – Budweiser Brewing Company has signed a contract that could revolutionize the marketing and promotion or alcoholic beverages. The deal, which will see Budweiser sponsoring a local man’s liver disease, is said to be worth in the neighborhood of $2.3 million.
Atheist Still Bitching and Complaining About Christmas
Published November 2007SILVER SPRINGS, MD – Even after 30 years, local atheist Jon Weaver is still complaining about Christmas. Weaver, an atheist since a young age, spends much of his December annoyed by all things Christmas related.
FDA Allows Use of Roofies During Surgery
Published October 2007WASHINGTON, DC – The Federal Food and Drug Administration will begin allowing the use of the drug Flunitrazepam as an anesthetic during surgery. The drug, more commonly referred to as “roofie” will be given to patients hours before surgery, unknowingly, while out having a good time.
U.S. Treasury To Sell Ad Space On Money, Flag
Published June 2007WASHINGTON, DC – In order to help alleviate the National debt and pay for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, President Bush has singed a law allowing for advertising space to be made available on U.S. currency and on the U.S. flag.
New Warning System Alerts Americans To Skank Level
Published February 2007WASINGTON, DC – The Department of Health and Human Services has issued a statement and simultaneously released a new warning system to track threats posed by skanks. The new system comes just weeks before the spring skank increase experienced annually in America’s warmer climates.
MCI To Replace Entire Sales Force With Cute Children
Published January 2006ENGLEWOOD, CO – In a surprising and risky move, the telecommunication company MCI has decided to replace its entire sales workforce with children ranging from ages six to eight-years-old.
Arbys Create Cow With Bar-Be-Que Sauce Instead Of Blood
Published October 2005FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – After years of research, food developers for the Arby’s chain of restaurants have announced they have made a major breakthrough in genetic research that will save the company millions of dollars and at the same time provide a higher quality of sandwich.
Chrysler Unveils New Sports Car For Men Called Mid-Life Chrysler
Published September 2005DETROIT, MI – In an effort to corner the market on a key demographic, Chrysler has announced the release of a new line of cars for middle-aged men, currently being called the Mid-Life Chrysler.