CHICAGO, IL — Over the past years Consumer Reports has provided parents with a valuable list: the hottest toys for the upcoming Holiday season. Retailers across the country often stock up on the highlighted toys in order to satisfy the anticipated high demand and hopefully minimize the violent incidents that have happened in the past between crazed parents.

NEWARK, DE – Several employees of CPTB Industries have described the Christmas decorations in a co-workers cubicle as “a little over the top.”

TUCSON, AZ – The lack of an iPad gift this year has proved to local seven-year-old Gracie Martinez that Jesus doesn’t exist and that there is no such thing as god.

WASHINGTON, DC – Despite protests from the North Pole and Keep Christmas Free, Congress passed a set of new laws aimed at reducing Santa Claus’ role in Christmas.

Under the new laws, presents can no longer be delivered by chimney, reindeer can not fly within 300 miles of a major metropolitan area and if stopped by police, Santa Claus must provide documentation proving his legal authority to travel within the United States.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – As the Republicans begins picking their Presidential candidate, one person is very rapidly becoming the front-runner: the Roman god of wealth.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Television actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas has landed the starring role in the next complete Hollywood meltdown.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – As the holiday season approaches, several top toy retailers have released a combined list of this year’s top, must-have toys to help parents ensure their children get everything they should want and that the children will be popular amongst other children.

“This list is something (retailers) do every year as a service to parents,” said Toys R Us spokeswoman Carol Hall.

NEW YORK, NY – Retailers across the country are beginning to use extreme measures in order to get people shopping over the holiday season.

MIAMI, FL – In an effort to increase revenues, CBS Television has announced that the seven-hour block of programming devoted to the Super Bowl will now be entirely commercials.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In another bailout request, Santa Claus appeared before Congress this week asking for $45 billion in order to continue operations and ensure “Christmas happens as it should.”