Scientists Identify 'Tattoo' Gene In American Women
Published July 2004 0 Comments | Share:
An unidentified female poses with her shirt up exposing the diseased skin on her back, just above her ass.
OLSO, NORWAY – Scientists in Norway think they may have isolated the gene that is responsible for the growth of dark scars, commonly referred to as tattoos, on females in their late teens. The break through came as a result of two years of exhaustive research and may lead to preventing the disease which currently affects 80% of American women age 18-21.
“We wanted to fix these girls they have over there in America,” said scientist Yanic Selan. “On a trip to a scientist festival three years ago, my research partner and I discovered that all Americans girls have tattoos on the small of back. Just over their nice how you say… butts? We thought at first that it was just the city we were in but then we realized that it was everywhere. We wanted to stop the disease before it spread to other countries. It is just terrible to see all these attractive young women with these terrible growths on the good asses.”
The tattoos most commonly manifest as hearts, dolphins or a moons surrounded by Celtic style lines or vine like arms reaching across both sides of the females back.
“(The tattoos are) fucking terrible and there is no cure… at least that I know of,” said Kenneth Flynn, an American college student. “It’s happened to my girlfriend, my sister and one of my good friends. I mean honestly, when I’m getting ready to have sex with my girlfriend, I have to insist that we get it on missionary style, just so I don’t get reminded that she is unclean. That shit is just gross and if I saw it while banging her, I’d probably throw up all over her… like that one time when we went to McSwiggs and got shitfaced on tequila and orange juice. That was fucked up and she didn’t forgive me for like a week.”
If a cure for the affliction is found, it may lead to a break through in a similar affliction that affects 18-year-old males.
“A similar disease has reared its head in the American male,” Selan said. “But with the males, it doesn’t seem to be as prevalent or as obvious. With males, the marks usually appear as barbed wire on the upper arm. It is weird. Creepy. See in the before time, these tattoos were only found on bikers, child molesters and crack whores. But now they are sprouting up on minister’s daughters. It is truly disturbing.”
While the research is ground breaking, some people think the scientists are just making too much out nothing.
“It’s evolution, Darwin’s theory,” said Yale’s Emeritus Professor of Biology, Gerry Henson. “To see that this is true all one has to do is look at dolphins. Dolphins used to live on land, but for some reason or other they moved to the sea and their legs became a tail. Me personally, I blame monkeys. I bet dolphins and monkeys fought all the time and the monkeys won, so obviously the dolphins had to leave. The monkeys probably threw their own poop at the dolphins. But that is neither here nor there. Over the past twenty years, so many young women have been getting the tattoos that it has become genetic. It’s a rather simple concept, unless you’re one of those bullshit creationist people. Those people are just too stupid to understand it anyway so I won’t even try. Well, I guess for them they should just sit back in their stupid chair reading their stupid book and know that ‘god’ put those marks there.”
Selan and his team of researchers will begin immediately to find a cure for the tattoos.
“This epidemic spread so fast and so quick that I think we may have very little time to find some way to stop it. Hopefully we succeed before our Norwegian women contract the dirty marks,” Selan said.
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