CINCINNATI, OH – A Twitter outage has prevented local teen Dakota Lundstrom from communicating with her friends about her love of waffles.

KANSAS CITY, KS – According to friends, after his picture appeared on the front page of the local paper, Ryan Moss, 23 has let his new found celebrity go to his head.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After more than 50 years of failed attempts, the Central Intelligence Agency finally succeeded in eliminating all Kennedys from American politics with the passing of Edward “Ted” Kennedy.

TAMPA BAY, FL – A local Caucasian man has added a tattoo to his back consisting of several Chinese characters that are supposed to represent the words “extreme” and “radical.”

LITTLE ROCK, AK – After viewing a commercial for the Super-Shammy, a super absorbent towel, Kurt Williams is convinced that the product is the solution to all his life problems.

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK – Shortly after their kiss-kam performance on the AT&T Bricktown Ballpark Jumbotron, local couple Leon Trendle and Sarah Jo Neller felt regret.

HONOLULU, HI – In a recent press conference, Jesus H. Christ apologized for making an inappropriate joke about the swine flu during an appearance on “Jimmy Kimmel Live!.” The joke, which implied that the swine flu started after a Mexican citizen had sex with a pig, has caused a huge backlash against the spiritual leader.

BIRMINGHAM, AL – An Information Technology employee at Etraz, Inc. has begun referring to himself in the third person.

WILMINGTON, DE – In an effort to help the economy, prostitutes all over the United States have revealed their own stimulus package.

QUEENS, NY – For the seventh consecutive year, Jason Corgan, 29, will not be getting as much of a tax refund as he was expecting. Corgan, who figured that he would be receiving about four thousand dollars from the government this year, will actually only be getting back $37.

GLENDALE, AZ – A register total almost announced the arrival of the apocalypse but thanks to quick thinking, the end time was avoided at the last second with another purchase.

PORTLAND, OR – According to a new survey conducted by Time magazine, the top resolution for 2009 is to stop masturbating. The survey, conducted over three months, interviewed close to a million people.

JUNEAU, AK – With the election and holidays behind her, Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, has returned to her post keeping an eye on, and protecting America from Russia.

NORTH POLE – For the 60th year in a row, Osama bin Ladin will receive a chunk of coal in his stocking. Santa Claus announced the decision during a C-SPAN interview last week.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Studio executives have completed a deal that will allow actress Elizabeth Banks to appear in every single film until 2010. Banks currently stars in only 60% of feature films released in the U.S.

AUSTIN, TX – In one of the most awkward moments of either of their lives, Deston Laremy and his father, Walt Laremy, discussed sex.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – The much anticipated and celebrated 300th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper.

SAN DIEGO, CA – After almost an hour of continuous bad behavior by his three children, Dennis Feagley, stopped his car along Interstate 10, stating that he had finally “had it up to here!”

WASHINGTON, DC – In an unexpected move, the United States Supreme Court has ruled that polygamy will be declared legal as long as certain requirements are met. Among the requirements are stipulations that only men can have multiple wives, the wives must be hot and each wife is expected to service the man sexually whenever he wants or needs it.

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA – All customers of the Huntington Beach Fitness Club agree that the guy that shows up in the skin-tight, teal running pants is dressed inappropriately.