WASHINGTON, DC – The National Security Agency has stopped collecting American’s data after completely filling over 10,000 servers with “selfies.”

“As of last week, the NSA is no longer able to collect data due to the very large number of selfies that currently reside on the servers,” said NSA Director, Shawn Nossen.

WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to increase their social media presence and communicate their platform more efficiently to younger Americans, the Republican Party has started a program to teach its base how to use the internet.

“Republicans need to start tweeting and Facebooking and Yelping and they just need to start being online more. A lot more,” said Republican Strategist William Smithson.

FAIRFAX, VA – After receiving tremendous backlash to its response to the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting late last year, the National Rifle Association has released a new response suggesting that each school in the country should deploy robotic sentry guards.

“We realize that our comments after the Sandy Hook tragedy were not very popular and made (the NRA) look like horrible monsters but that’s not who the NRA is. The NRA cares about guns and people. Not just guns. But mostly guns.”

OAKLAND, CA – In response to the growing number of niche dating websites, two new sites have started the debate of how specific is too specific.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The budding romantic relationship between Eddie Freirs and Rebecca Staller ended abruptly last week after Staller revealed her feelings about the iPhone.

FREDERICK, MD – Last month Treddle signed up for Twitter with the username FuckRogers6969696 and came to regret the decision almost immediately.

SEATTLE, WA – Developers have released some details of an eagerly anticipated video game, the third part in the best-selling “Geriatric” Series.

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple executives have confirmed that an iPhone has finally integrated itself with a human. iPhone and human integration is an unannounced feature that comes with the recently released iPhone 4S.

The integration feature, named iBorg, was used for the first time by James Maddow last week when he inadvertently hit the home button five consecutive times.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Research conducted at Massachusetts Institute of Technology has concluded that the internet is now 80% pornography, 15% cat videos/pictures and 4% poorly written comments.

“While most of our findings were pretty much exactly what we all thought they would be, the one thing that surprised us is that cat videos and pictures amounted for so little of the internet,” said Research Assistant Geraldine Westerly.

OAKLAND, CA – Rupert Murdoch is facing new phone hacking allegations after a former employee of a Murdoch owned high school newspaper said he was paid to hack the phones of two local teenagers.