SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Although several weeks have passed since the office holiday party, office administrator Carrie Hoplight, refuses to forgive coworker Jenny Matthews for stealing the gift she wanted.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Holy freaking guacamole you guys! It has been, like, forever since I was last able to grace your eye holes with my everlasting words of wisdom!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With only a few weeks until the Presidential election, the write-in candidate Your Mom has taken the lead in a series of recent polls.

“People are rejecting the two major party candidates at a rate we’ve never seen and because of that people are looking for other choices,” said former Democratic Party Chairman, Howard Dean. “Someone, who knows who, said that they’d just write ‘Your Mom’ on their ballot and people are really starting to agree with that.”

CHARLOTTE, NC – After viewing a viral video supporting Gary Johnson, local voter Travis Pickett says he will now vote for Johnson.

NEW YORK, NY – Despite requests from the media and Democrat Party leaders, Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump is refusing to release his permanent school record.

SAN MATEO, CA – During Heather Freiberg’s birthday dinner, the girl at the end of the table gathered all the used plates and silverware in to easily moveable piles because she said she was once a server and “knows what it’s like.”

COLUMBUS, OH – The Ohio State Senate has approved sweeping changes to voting laws including requiring voters to have a gold-plated voter ID card.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Sandra Day O’Connor posted a tweet yesterday that may or may not have been a dig at former pal Madeleine Albright.

MIDDLETON, WI – Local man Jesse Guentert has told his friends that he will try to drink only a small amount of alcohol at their New Year’s Eve party.

AUSTIN, TX – Occasional film viewer Kevin Mothma has proved his intelligence and sophistication by disliking the new film Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

“(Star Wars) The Force Awakens is shallow,” said Mothma. “The story is so pedestrian. There was nothing there. Just a bunch of loosely tied together action scenes. And the main girl in the movie, whatever her name is, was such a Mary Sue.”