BILLINGS, MT – For the third time in six years, the Domino’s Noid is entering a drug and alcohol rehabilitation facility. This latest attempt at sobriety comes as a court order from last year’s cocaine induced altercation with Montana police.

The Noid, the spastic Dominos Pizza spokesman from the 1980s is best remembered for his troublesome nature, his high energy commercials and tight red, spandex outfit. In the commercials, viewers were advised to “avoid the Noid” and order Dominos Pizza.

“Man, those were some rough times,” the Noid said from prison. “Everyone fucking hated me like I was OJ Simpson or some shit. But still I was a celebrity, and I got all the perks that celebrities get. I had chicks, and coke and chicks with coke on them. Those were some great times. But the thing that they didn’t tell you about me is that (Dominos) were the ones to get me hooked on coke. They kept pushing me to get crazier. They said ‘here, you need to look like a serial rapist.’ And that was it, I was addicted. An addiction that has taken everything I held dear and fucked it right up the butt.”

The Noid was released from his contract in 1986 after failing two consecutive drug tests. At the time Dominos officials said the company had done everything to help the Noid through the addiction.

“The Noid, that was a tough one, because we could tell that he really loved his work,” said Dominos president Jeff Daulton. “He just loved pizza, especially Dominos delectable, hand tossed crusts and our freshly grated cheeses. To get him into his character, we actually withheld pizza from him. Can you believe that? We were like ‘you want this? well, you can’t have, now go act. It just goes to show you that not eating our piping hot deliciousness would drive a person to drink.’ And it did. Drove him to coke, too.”

In November of 2003 the Noid was stopped by Montana Highway Patrol Officers for speeding. As the officer issued a speeding ticket, the Noid became enraged, jumping out of the car, removing his clothes and began dry humping the patrol officer’s leg. Then the Noid bit the officer in the crotch. After a 20 minute struggle, the Noid was subdued and taken to a Billings, MT jail.

“That, that was a bad time,” the Noid said. “I was at a low point in my career. I was reduced to opening third rate pizza joins, man. Do you know how humiliating that was? I was big time. I was a star. So I took the money I got from Shakey’s Pizza and blew it on like 15 Cheese Balls. That’s coke and cheese, all rolled up in a nice ball. Those things are heaven… if heaven has coke. God I hope it does. If I even make it to heaven. Do they let people in if they’ve had a few ‘minor’ discretions? And by ‘minor’ I don’t mean small, I mean under-aged.”

The Noid is strong in his convictions to make this latest attempt at sobriety the one to stick.

“I guess this is my last chance. I’ve heard that C-level celebrities like myself only get 7 chances to get their shit together,” said the Noid. “After that they round you up, put you in a canvas sack and through you off a bridge. So… I guess I have to make it. Or at least spin my addiction off onto something more socially acceptable like money or cigarettes. Or maybe coffee. That’s kinda like speed… only brown and tastes like ass. And believe me, I’ve had enough ass in my life to make that comparison.”