Jesus Christ Postpones Second Coming For 11th Time

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LONDON, ENGLAND – Jesus Christ, religious figurehead for millions, will not be returning to Earth this month as was previously scheduled. This latest announcement marks the 11th time Christ has postponed his return to Earth in the past 200 years.

The announcement of the postponement came on Christ’s Myspace web blog.

“Things don’t always work out like we plan and (Christ’s return) is one of those things,” Christ stated. “But there is good news to deliver. I’ve finally put together a really good group to take out on tour with me and we’ve been practicing non-stop for a couple months now. It’s just… we aren’t ready. I know how dedicated my fans are and the last thing I want to do is head out on the road and give you a half-ass show. You expect me to be at my best and I don’t plan on letting any of you down.”

Christ gave no firm commitment date for his return, opting instead to promise only that his second coming will be “soon.”

“You know, no one can predict when these things will happen,” Christ said. “I mean look at me. I’m the freaking son of God. I can pretty much do whatever I want. And if there is something that I can’t do, all I gotta do is talk to my dad and he’ll make it happen. But even with all this power, I still don’t know when we’ll be ready. It’s just, it’s just one of those things, and I really wish people would just… well, just chill and give me the time I need to do it right.”

Fans of Christ have reacted negatively in the past to similar announcements and Christ hopes this new date reschedule won’t affect the faith of his fans.

“At this point, I really don’t care what they say. I mean I do care, cus, you know, they’re my fans and all, but it really isn’t up to them,” Christ said. “We could go out there tomorrow, but we won’t because it would cheapen the whole thing. When I come back, I want it to be spectacular. I want this shit to be off the hook – as the kids say. I don’t want to just come out and re-hash all the things that I’ve done in the past. I don’t want to do the bread thing and the water to wine thing. I need to dazzle my people. If I don’t come out of the gate with some good material, my fans will move on to Muhammad or Buddah, or hell, even Joseph Smith. Talk about a hack. If I lost some fans to the other two guys, I’d be ok, but I’ll be dammed if I’m going to lose even one fan to that prick Smith. You should hear the crap that guy says up here.”

Many of Christ’s fans have accepted the fact that the return has been postponed, but with every delay, more fans become angry and disenfranchised.

“This just stinks,” said Bill Rowe, 64, of Des Moines, Iowa. “Every time he makes an announcement I get my hopes up, every time he postpones (the date), a part of me dies inside. You know what? I’m sick of it. If he were to comeback tomorrow, which he won’t because he’s a bastard, I wouldn’t go see him. I’m just going to come out and say it. Fuck Jesus. He can go to hell for all I care. I’m not talking about the happy, Protestant version, I’m talking about the scary Catholic version of hell. Buddha is my guy now.”

While he loses followers with every day he doesn’t come back, Christ believes that when he does eventually come back, his fans will return with him.

“I’m not going to spoil anything, but when I do come back, it is going to be beyond anything that you could possibly fathom,” Christ said. “Think of it this way. Take all the psychedelic drugs that you can and imagine all the crazy, whacked out shit you’re going to see. Times that by ten, no, a hundred. That’s what I’m going to bring to the party.”


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