CHARLOTTESVILLE, OH – Manufacturers are working feverishly on an upgrade to the software installed in the SkyNet Cyborg model XX1331, more commonly referred to as Governor Sarah Palin. The Republican Party is putting pressure on SkyNet to resolve a number of issues as the party is becoming less and less happy with its recent purchase of a Palin.
Republican Party leaders purchased Palin earlier this summer at the behest of Presidential nominee, Senator John McCain, and have since noted many deficiencies and bugs with the programming adding frustration to an already intense campaigning season.
“The Palin isn’t exactly what we thought we were gonna get,” said Republican Senator John Cornyn of Texas. “We paid a lot of money for this thing and it’s supposed to be the top of the line. She is good looking and all, but she’s just dumb as a brick. We can’t even set her up with interviews because the barrage of questions actually causes smoke to come out of her ears. SkyNet told us this was top of the line but this model can’t even define the job of the Vice President despite the fact that we’ve inputted that information 100 times.”
The Palin was purchased by the Republican Party to help in the election of McCain. It was the party’s hope that the Palin would offer intelligent discourse on issues important to voters as well as provide a slick, clean, attractive, nonthreatening look. Only the later has been achieved.
“(The Palin) has been a huge disappointment. We bought this thing because, lets face it, McCain has no idea what’s going on in the modern world,” said Senator Connie Mack of Florida. “I like the guy, but he is really old. I know it’s kind of passé to make fun of his age, but he really is old. We needed something young, hip, smart and attractive to take the focus away from Grandpa. We were also hoping that the cybprg element itself would garner some votes. Guys like cyborgs, right? We can not only get the soccer mom vote but we can get the younger voters who just want life to be like it is in their Pokemon cartoons and Terminator movies.”
The upgrades Republicans are demanding include an increase in processing capacity, increased processing speed, a personality boost and a reduction in charging time.
“Right now we have this thing that we can put up on stage, let it run through a speech but then we immediately have to put it away and charge it,” said Republican Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah. “What we need it to do is engage with voters, talk to them, respond to them and answer simple questions from the media. If I were to go back into that room where they keep it and ask it a question about the economy right now, the whole thing would crash. How are people going to vote for something that just sits there and looks pretty? We aren’t Argentina for crying out loud.”
SkyNet is promising the new upgrade will meet and surpass all requirements and expectations of the Republican Party.
“Yeah, we kinda blew it on the first version and I will totally take responsibility for that,” said SkyNet lead Designer Steve Wagoner. “I was drinking pretty heavily and not getting much sleep, and I had this big government contract, and well, I dropped the ball. She was hot though. I guess I spent way too much time on the appearance then I did on the actual brain. I can remember when I first put her skin on, man the night that I had! I though my penis was going to fall off from use. But yeah, I’ve totally got the fix for (the lack of intelligence). It’ll be easy and then we can continue taking over the world for our robot masters… I mean the Republicans.”
If the upgrade is not successful, Republican Party members have said they may consider legal action against SkyNet for misrepresentation.
“I promise that if they fail us again, we will sue,” Cornyn said. “We’ll have no other choice. If we don’t have the Palin, we won’t win the election. If we won’t win the election, you better believe that we’re going to get a huge paycheck out of it so that we can rig the next election. Hell, who am I kidding? We’re not going to win the election, not after the debacle of the last eight years. But at least we can still get paid and have a little toy to pass around the Senate offices. You know what I mean? I mean we’re going to bang it. Pardon my French.”