People Magazine has already designed the first cover to feature Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

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HOLLYWOOD, CA – Television actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas has landed the starring role in the next complete Hollywood meltdown. Thomas was selected from over 1,000 celebrities vying for the role.

“We took a look at a lot of celebrities. And I mean a lot,” said E! Entertainment Television founder Larry Namer. “We really wanted a fresh face. Someone that seemed to come out of nowhere and didn’t fit the classic ‘piece of shit waiting to explode’ that we’ve seen over and over again the last couple years. In Jonathan we found someone that we all totally forgot about and will be surprised as hell when he self destructs.”

Thomas says that he couldn’t be more excited about the role.

“I’m pretty jazzed about the role and I think I can really surprise people with what I will bring (to the role),” said Thomas. “I think that the general public is a little sick of the whole celebrity meltdown thing but I think that I can bring something new to the role, something that’s never been done. Think of it as what Heath Ledger did in ‘The Dark Knight.’ Yeah, my performance is going to be that good. People are going to say ‘wow, I didn’t know he could do that.’ It’s going to be awesome.”

According to producers the meltdown will begin production this summer and if all goes well, the whole program should be complete by the fall.

“It’s going to be a pretty crazy schedule, but I know I’m up for it,” said Thomas. “I’ve been training really hard for this, and my body is in the best shape it’s ever been in. I mean, even when I was a teen idol, I didn’t look this good. The interesting thing for me is going to be what the process of the meltdown will do to me. I figure it’ll be a lot like what Matt Damon did for helicopter movie he was in.”

For the past month, producers of entertainment news media have been searching for a new star to engage in self destructive behavior. The search intensified as it became more and more likely that the current Hollywood meltdown star, Charlie Sheen, was going to burn out very quickly.

“Charlie was… I mean is, ha, um… ignore that I said ‘was’ there. Charlie is special,” said TMZ’s Ben Garmin. “He has all the best meltdown clichés wrapped up into a single asshole. He was violent against women. He did a ton of drugs. He was bat-shit insane. He loved hookers. He was so starved for attention that he would do anything and everything we told him to do. He was racist. Really, he was the whole package and he will be a hella tough act to follow. I hope JTT brings his A-game. If not he might have to be replaced pretty early because now the people have a real taste for blood.”

Thomas is perhaps best known as Randy from TV’s “Home Improvement.” Since leaving the show Thomas admits he has done little work in and around Hollywood but says he is looking forward to “getting his hands dirty.”

“I’ve been out of the game for a few years now, you know, going to college and all that, but now I think it’s time to hit it and hit it hard,” said Thomas. “I’ve been studying the tapes of (Sheen) and Lindsay (Lohan) and Mel (Gibson) and Paris (Hilton) and the others and I really think I’ve got an angle on things that they’ve never thought of. I’m going to take this to a whole new level that will be hard to beat.”

While, according to producers, the typical Hollywood meltdown centers on violence, drug or alcohol addiction, crazy behavior and sex, Thomas is toying with bringing some new ideas to the role.
“I don’t want to ruin anything, but let me tell you there will be a badger involved and lots of butter,” said Thomas. “I just have so many ideas going through my head. I guess that’s what happens when you ‘take a break’ from acting for five years. You have a lot of time to think.”