WASHINGTON, DC – Earlier this week temporal scientists announced some good news and some bad news today regarding time travel. The good news is that the scientists successfully sent a time machine back to the year 1959. The bad news is that the time machine returned with a number of 1959 Republican politicians who destroyed the machine after declaring it “an abomination unto god” and then immediately set to developing laws to restrict the rights of women and minorities.
“I’d like to confirm that yes, we did send a time machine back to the past. I’d also like to confirm that when that time machine came back, it brought with it some people from 1959,” said lead temporal scientist on the project, Kurt Ngyun. “The people that came back were also all Republican politicians. And apparently the Republican politicians from 1959 that came back think that time travel is ‘the devil’s work’ and they immediately destroyed the time machine. So… we can’t send them back. And they’re also seeking public office because they think they know exactly what this country needs.”
The scientist apologized for the terrible actions that have occurred as a result of the time machine’s return from 1959.
“We figured a couple people might come back from the past with the time machine when it came back but we didn’t realize how many. And we didn’t realize they would all be Republican politicians with absurdly backwards political views,” said temporal scientist Roger Craddley. “Now we have 15 people here that shouldn’t be here and they’re all telling us where we went wrong. Apparently, in their minds, our country is hurting because of the ‘women and the coloreds.’ That’s kind of messed up. I thought our current Republicans were bad enough but these guys… they’re something special.”
Many of those that came from 1959 have expressed outrage with the current state of America. Specifically how much freedom women and minorities have.
“I’ll tell ya what’s wrong with this country… it’s all of them dames and darkies. You even have new types of darkies. That just ain’t right,” said Jasper Wainright. “See, back in my day, why, we don’t let those kinds a people outside. A woman has no place in politics. See, a woman’s place is in the kitchen. If she can’t properly cook a roast, then what good is she? Not good at all, I tell ya! They should also be making babies and letting us men tell them what they can and can’t do with their bodies. And don’t even get me started on those colored folks. Growing up my pappy had himself a plantation. Do you think we let those people vote on how it was run? Heck no! And I can tell you what… that plantation ran as smooth as the tobacco it produced.”
The 1959 politicians have already made a significant impact on the American public by taking public office and authoring laws.
“First thing they did was take away voting rights of minorities. They’ve gotten laws passed in a number of states aimed at making it harder for minorities to vote. Next they went after women,” said Democratic Strategist Blaire Freesher. “And it looks like they have some how got one of them in the running for President. I can’t believe there are enough people in this country stuck in 1959 that are looking at all this shit that’s happening and are ok with it. This place is seriously fucked.”
Because of some “documentation gaps” the scientists have been unable to create another working time machine.
“What is really frustrating is that there are several pages of our research that have ketchup stains on some really important parts,” Ngyun said. “The main one is on the page that has the settings for the Flux Capacitor. Yes, I know we stole that from ‘Back to the Future,’ but we thought it was only appropriate since it’s what makes time travel possible. But with that stain on it, we just can’t read the numbers. Rest assured though, the person responsible for those stains, Mark Villardi, has been appropriately punished. Not only can he not eat Five Guys hamburgers on work days, but we’ve also made him drive and chaperone the guys from the past.”