DURANGO, CO – The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory spokesbear, Truffles, has announced that she has been diagnosed with diabetes due to a decades-long diet comprised almost exclusively of chocolate.
“I… I have recently been… diagnosed with diabetes. Type 1 diabetes,” said Truffles. “I guess that’s what happens when all you eat is chocolate. And all I ate for years was… pretty much all I ever ate was chocolate. I love chocolate. That’s why I took this job. But… I never thought chocolate would try to kill me. Why chocolate, why? What did I ever do to you? Other than eat you.”
According to Truffles, until recently, her diet consisted of eight to nine chocolate heavy meals a day.
“For breakfast I’d have chocolate breakfast burritos and a dark chocolate mocha and a side of chocolate sausages,” said Truffles. “Then for lunch I’d have a chocolate hamburger, a chocolate hotdog, chocolate soda, a chocolate milkshake, chocolate freedom fries and a handful of strawberries dipped in chocolate then dipped in peanut butter then dipped in white chocolate then drizzled with goat blood. For dinner I’d eat a nice salad with a coco vinaigrette. I’m not an idiot, I know that you can’t only live on chocolate. Stupidly though, I never thought that a little bit of salad was not going to cancel out all the sugar. But of course I’d have two or three buckets of chocolate fudge chunks for desert.”
Since posting about her diabetes diagnosis on social media Truffles has received an out pouring of support.
“Thoughts and prayers,” posted Twitter user BritneyGoesShopping4241.
Due to her illness, Truffles now has an insulin pump and she says she is struggling to adapt to her new lifestyle.
“I’ve had to make a lot of changes. I have to exercise now, which is not easy because the chocolate has made me morbidly obese,” said Truffles. “Do you know how hard it is to do crossfit when you are 600 pounds? Not to mention that I’m about two months from losing my left leg. My doctor says that if I can’t get down at least a hundred pounds, I can kiss lefty goodbye. At that point I guess I’ll be a lean Truffle. I’m sorry, it’s a really hard time for me and I’m trying to use humor to somewhat make me feel better. ”
Truffles says she is trying to remain positive but admits that there is a strong desire to “end it all in a giant vat of melted milk chocolate and peanut butter swirl.”
“It’s… it’s just hard. And I’m not sure it’s worth it,” said Truffles. “This is my life now. No more chocolate. It’s like… why bother you know? I go to work and I see all that chocolate in there and I can’t have any and I see people coming out of the stores eating chocolate and I can’t have any and I just want to put a gun in my mouth and pull the fucking trigger you know? There is no joy anymore. The only thing I ever loved, chocolate, has been taken away from me. This must be how Elliot Smith felt.”