LOS ANGELES, CA – In perhaps the most ironic moment in recent history, the heavy-metal rock band Anthrax was diagnosed with the deadly virus Anthrax. The infection was discovered Thursday as all members of the band reported to St Williams Hospital in Irvine, CA.
A spokesman for Anthrax said the band was rushed to the medical center after feeling flu like symptoms which included “seriously fuckin nasty shit with puss and vomit and shit” and continued to say the band likely contracted the disease through a suspicious package mailed to their studio earlier in the week.
“The band received a plain white envelope full of white powder and assumed it was cocaine,” said band spokesman Geoffrey Gaines. “But after snorting most of it, they of course realized that it wasn’t cocaine and thought nothing more of it until several days later when they tried to snort it again. Eventually they all got sick and had to be taken to the hospital. They still had no idea it was Anthrax until the doctors at St Williams told them. The letter unfortunately was thrown away and never read so we have no clue as to who might be behind this attack.”
Currently all band members are in stable condition and are expected to make a full and quick recovery. Despite the infection the band itself remains positive and upbeat.
“Some motherfucker out there wants to stop us from thrashin’ but they have failed miserably. The fuckin rat-shit-eating-rim-jobbing fucks! When we get out of here we are gunna find that shitbag and burst his eardrums with the fiercest metal ever! Then we’re gonna shit in his mouth and make him choke on it. That’ll teach that sorry motherfucker,” said singer John Bush.
Fans of the band are angry and upset with the recent attack, but are looking forward to the bands upcoming “Mail Bomb” tour.
“Dude, this totally fuckin sucks, but if anyone can beat Anthrax, it’s Anthrax,” said life long fan Billy “Psycho” Phillips, 28. “Wait that didn’t make any sense. I meant that the band Anthrax, is um, gonna get Anthrax, the disease Anthrax, and kick the living shit out of Anthrax, the disease, then Anthrax, the band, is gonna tear up all over Anthrax’s sorry ass. The disease. Yeah, that’s it.”
As of yet, the Los Angeles Police Department has no leads as to who may be behind the attack. The band has not received any previous threats other than the occasional hate mail from various religious groups.
“We are currently searching for evidence and gathering information as to who may have done this,” said LAPD official Ted Stentson. “We do not have any leads let alone any suspects. So far this seems to be a solitary act as no other heavy-metal bands have been attacked. What we do know is that the letter was mailed from the same zip code as the band’s studio and there appears to be a word, ‘sepultura,’ written across the back of the letter. We have experts now trying to decipher the significance of this word. Also found on the envelope were several pentagrams of various sizes, but we do not feel that this holds any significance as half the letters mailed in LA have pentagrams on them.”
Anthrax, the band, hopes to be fully recovered by January when they are scheduled to co-headline the Mail Bomb Tour with fellow heavy-metal band Sepultura.