SEATTLE, WA – A new report from Zillow states that “home office” has replaced “sex dungeon” as the number one search phrase entered by users looking for a new home.
“Honestly never thought it would happen, because sex dungeons are just awesome, but people are now looking for a home office as a ‘must have’ in their new home,” said Zillow Business Intelligence Director, Harmony Sherve. “People are being asked, if not forced, to work from home right now so it’s really no surprise. People now need a place to type out project plans rather than a dark, dank place to be a naughty little piggy and insert various items into various orifices.”
As workers across the country continue to work from home, some for the foreseeable future, a home office has become more desirable to those looking for a new place to live.
“I’m not saying that a sex dungeon isn’t important, I’m just saying that I need a place where I can get work done and not the kinda of work that involves whips and chains and ball gags. More like spreadsheets as opposed to spreadcheeks,” said prospective home buyer, Sandra Chang. “I need a place where I can generate burndowns not a place where someone would go down. I need a place where I can use push pins on a corkboard, not give a blumpkin to a Dark Lord. A place for paper clips, not nipple clips. You know what I mean? I need more LinkedIn, not links in my vagina. Ok, that last one was a stretch, but you get it. Oh… I need a place to sketch out ideas, not get stretched out by… oh shit… I lost it. It will come back to me though.”
House hunters are finding themselves in a situation where they must choose between a home office or a sex dungeon as few homes have both. To make matters more challenging, most homes in the United States do not have an office space, while nearly 70% of homes do have at least one sex dungeon.
“American houses, for the last century, have been highlighting sex dungeons or sex closets or sex shacks or just sex crawl spaces. We don’t really have a lot of houses with spaces best suited for ‘work’ that isn’t butt plug related,” said National Association of Realtors Spokesman, Harvey Cullilly. “I mean, a lot of times, in sex dungeons, people, and holes, are getting worked, but it’s just not the same. I know several people that have tried to work in their dungeons, and it never has a happy ending.”
While a home office is the current top search item, realtors expect sex dungeons to be back on top as soon as the pandemic begins to subside.
“Sex dungeons will be back in a big way once things get back to normal and people get back to their offices,” said Cullilly. “A little pandemic isn’t going to ruin people’s appetite for sex dungeons permanently. Home Depot better be ready with a stockpile of chains and sex swing anchors!”