VICTORIA, TX – Last week, the small Texas town of Victoria celebrated completion of its 700 million dollar construction project assuring that every residence and building will be “Bear free, now and forever.” The project, referred to as Bear-Be-Gone, took 12 years to complete during which there was not a single bear attack within the city limits.

DENVER, CO – An intervention was held Saturday for 45-year-old mother of three Jacqueline Burke in order to help her stop dressing like a 15-year-old hooker. The intervention, supported by friends and family, came as a complete shock to Burke.

PENSACOLA, FL – Nude Miss World legend, Bunny McTitties, shocked and excited the pageant world by announcing an end to her retirement and revealing plans to return full time to posing nude. McTitties retired at the age of 45 in 1971 after five consecutive Miss Nude titles and remains the all time winningest Miss Nude with 10 total titles.

CHERRY HILLS, CO – With the purchase of a new Ford Expedition, Dirk and Shelley Benson have now solidified their position in Upper-Middleclass America. The purchase, the last in a series, finally completes the year long transformation from their previous status of Middleclass.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Fans of the underground indie-rock band The Star Project Theory protested this week as members of the band announced plans to “sell out.” In a press conference broadcast through the bands official website, The Star Project Theory made official what fans have been fearing for months, signing a contract with Warner Brothers Records.

IRVINE, CA – With pressure from the government and religious groups mounting, Hollywood executives and filmmakers are now blaming the amount of violence and sexual content in movies on Orange County resident Steve Prost. In a formal statement issued jointly by the Screen Actors Guild and executives of Warner Brothers, Dreamworks and Paramount Pictures, Prost is listed as the primary cause for the success of recent violent films including “Matrix” and “Gladiator.”

SEATTLE, WA – In an off season trade completed late last week, the Seattle Seahawks traded all-star fan Karl Tremsky to the San Diego Chargers for veteran fan Robbie Struckly, rookie fan Steven Reynolds, a first round draft pick and future considerations.

IRVING, TX – Seemingly overnight, the once quite neighborhood of Willow Estates has erupted in violence as the Willow Estates Home Owners Association has declared war on a small band of rebels led by resident Richard Sterty. Tensions have been escalating in the area since Sterty’s arrival 6 months ago and have now reached a boiling point.

BANGOR, ME – During a press conference sponsored by the Society for Furthering Language Studies, board members announced the popular saying “Wassup?” will be retired into the Catch Phrase Hall of Fame on October 28.

LAS VEGAS, NV – Mandalay Resort Group released plans and designs this week for a new, extravagant casino along the Las Vegas strip called Jesus Christ!: Hotel and Casino. Modeled after ancient Jerusalem, the hotel and casino’s theme will be that of Jesus’ life, most specifically his death.