WATSONS GLENN, VA – A Valentine’s Day gift given to Jessica Berg by her boyfriend Adam Benjamin has forced Berg to reevaluate the couple’s relationship. The gift, edible panties, is regarded by Berg as “fuckin’ bullshit.”

BAGHBAD, IRAQ – With the deadline to transfer control of Iraq looming closer, President George W. Bush told the United Nations on June 15 that a suitable new Government has finally been found.

LOS ANGELES, CA – The war of words between current Rap bestseller Eminem and former President of the United States Jimmy Carter escalated this week as both released new singles taking verbal jabs at the other.

WASHINGTON D.C. – After month’s of bitter arguing and failed attempts at rebuilding their relationship, President Bush and Iraq President Saddam Hussein have agreed to attend couples counseling. Both plan on retreating to Camp David with world-renowned therapist Kelli Steinberg later this month.

MEMPHIS, TN – Eric Williams, 17, was rushed to Rose Medical Center late Thursday afternoon after suffering an apparent overdose. Initial reports and tests show Williams had overdosed on pornography and masturbation. His bodily fluid levels were critically low and he was suffering from extreme exhaustion.