WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to a recent poll, the number of Americans that just can’t anymore is at an all-time high.

BALTIMORE, MD – The former guitarist of a punk band has admitted that he wishes he had sold out when given the opportunity years ago.

NEW YORK, NY – The National Football League has launched a new campaign called “Don’t Be a Pussy” aimed at promoting good mental health among men.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Middle-aged, white men across the country are expressing their anger with an entertainment magazine’s recent list of the 500 best songs of all time.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Beginning next month, Facebook will begin offering degree and postgraduate degree programs to Facebook users.

NASHVILLE, TN – A new online support group has been launched to help Republicans find music made by artists that align with current Republican values.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Adult stores across the country are dealing with inventory issues as Americans become vaccinated against COVID-19 and the need for social distancing is rapidly decreasing.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Beginning this month, several prominent restaurant chains will begin serving children meals that come half-eaten.

TAMPA, FL – The National Football League (NFL) announced the theme for this year’s Super Bowl halftime show will be “America” and will feature a large number of white people wandering around “doing whatever they want to do.”

NEW YORK, NY – In advance of Valentine’s Day, Pfizer has released a new double-sided COVID-19 vaccination needle that will allow a couple to vaccinate each other at the same time.