MODESTO, CA – Local Man Dennis Clarke has told his family, friends and neighbors that he’ll take down his fucking Christmas lights when he fucking feels like it.

AUSTIN, TX – Occasional film viewer Kevin Mothma has proved his intelligence and sophistication by disliking the new film Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

“(Star Wars) The Force Awakens is shallow,” said Mothma. “The story is so pedestrian. There was nothing there. Just a bunch of loosely tied together action scenes. And the main girl in the movie, whatever her name is, was such a Mary Sue.”

NORTH POLE – After a year in which there was only one “nice” child, Santa Claus says he will officially retire from delivering toys to children on Christmas Eve.

SAN BERNADINO, CA – Blaming his new job and other social obligations, local internet user Jerod Franklin said he no longer has the time or energy to post as many violent threats per day as he did six months ago.

ATLANTA, GA – Just days after a mass shooting in a Louisiana movie theater, anti-gun advocates and the NRA faced off in another round of debates about gun control.

LOS ANGELES – As the drought in California worsens, residents have begun modifying their cars by adding armor plating, skulls and various other decorations in preparation for the inevitable wars.

Climate scientists believe the lack of rain and shortage of water may result in wars fought by gangs with armored vehicles and guitars that shoot fire as seen in the recent documentary film, “Mad Max: Fury Road.”

NASHVILLE – Local country singer Johnny Thunder is reportedly having trouble finding a word that rhymes with America that he hasn’t already used.

SALEM, OR – The man a couple cubes down is stating that he has a great idea for a mobile application that will make him millions of dollars.

CLEVELAND, OH – Responding to political pressure, the Cleveland Indians baseball team has changed its mascot from a Native American to a man from India.

WASHINGTON, DC – During the State of the Union address last month President Obama made a number of statements reflecting on the past year and made a number of promises looking ahead.