28 Things We Learned from Last Month’s State of the Union

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President Obama delivers the State of the Union address.
President Obama delivers the State of the Union address.

WASHINGTON, DC – During the State of the Union address last month President Obama made a number of statements reflecting on the past year and made a number of promises looking ahead. Some of the statements were clear and some were, perhaps intentionally, unclear. The Scoop News has broken down the address and identified several key elements.

Here are 28 things that we learned during last month’s State of the Union address:

1. The President knows English
More than anything else, President Obama demonstrated that he knows English – or at least enough English to deliver a address. This fact alone sets him apart from many other world leaders.

2. The President knows the names of several other countries
While many Americans struggle to know more than three countries, it appears that President Obama knows the names of at least seven different countries.

3. Taco Bell is no longer sponsoring White House softball teams
Obama announced Taco Bell, long-time White House softball team sponsor, will be ending sponsorship of the team. No replacement was named however Obama was wearing a Dick’s Last Resort trucker-hat during parts of the address.

4. The President thinks Greenland is full of pussies
In one of the boldest moments of the address, Obama spent three minutes explaining that the people and leaders of Greenland are “pussies.”

5. The President’s walk up music is Rage Against the Machine
Although it’s a popular band for walk-up music in Major League Baseball, Obama’s walk up song came as a surprise to many when “Killing In The Name Of” started playing over the loud speakers.

6. Cantaloupe is not as delicious as people think it is
Obama plans to introduce legislation that will label Cantaloupe as “just ok.” This move will likely pay off in next year’s elections as Cantaloupe is expected to be a hot-button issue for most Americans.

7. Affordable Care Act changes coming
Obama stated that several changes are coming to the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) including a stipulation that anyone over the age of 55 will be euthanized or turned in to cybernetic warriors.

8. The President cannot make shadow puppets
After spending 15 minutes trying to make a shadow puppet that looked like an anteater, Obama said “I can’t make shadow puppets.”

9. The President owns at least one tie
Obama showed up to the event wearing a tie. While experts are unsure how many he actually owns, it’s clear that he owns at least one.

10. There was no mention of “Game of Thrones”
Even though it’s one of the most popular shows on television, Obama made no mention of “Game of Thrones” during the address. At this point it is unclear if the President is aware of the show or if he chose to ignore it.

11. The State of the Union address is long
Obama’s address was much longer than Americans attention span. Therefore no American is aware of what was said after the first 15 minutes of the address.

12. The United States is probably not going to go to war with Luxemburg
Although he didn’t say it explicitly, Obama did not say that he would declare war on Luxemburg as some had expected.

13. Walter Reinprecht should pay more taxes
Stopping short of saying all wealth Americans should pay more in taxes, Obama did say that one American in particular, Walter Reinprecht, should pay more in annual taxes.

14. Poor people should pay less taxes unless they can afford to pay more taxes
After stating that Walter Reinprecht should pay more in taxes, Obama said that poor Americans should pay less taxes “unless they can afford to pay more in taxes. If they can afford to pay more than they should pay more, unless they cannot pay more in which case they should pay less than someone who pays more.”

15. The Presidents favorite ice cream is Rocky Road
While he does enjoy other flavors, Obama said Rocky Road is “Where it’s at.” Members of his staff later confirmed that the latest release of salted caramel flavors is causing the President to think hard about his choice of Rocky Road.

16. The President is married and has two children
Those that watched the State of the Union address were reminded that Obama is married, to a woman, and he has two children.

17. The future is bright
To demonstrate the positive outlook Obama has for the future, the President put on a pair of sunglasses and said “the future is so bright, I gotta wear shades.”

18. The outlook for “haters” is not as bright
Shortly after saying “the future is so bright, I gotta wear shades” Obama took off the sunglasses and said “for haters, the future is not bright. Not bright at all. In fact, haters will not need to wear sunglasses.”

19. The President still refers to Republicans as “those bitches over there”
After six years in office, Obama still only refers to Republican Senators and Representatives as “bitches” and says he hasn’t even bothered to learn any of their names.

20. Chemtrails are still just water condensation in the atmosphere
Despite having the ability to inject poisons and other environmental agents in to the atmosphere via high-altitude planes, Obama continues to refuse to do so saying “why the fuck would anyone do that? That is just a dumb, dumb idea.”

21. There are 14 women in history that Obama would have sex with if time travel were possible
While lamenting the fact that time machines still do not exist, Obama spent several minutes of the address listing women throughout history that he would like to have sex with – among them Mary, Marilyn Monroe, Joan of Arc, and Ayn Rand.

22. There is one man in history that Obama would have sex with if time travel were possible
The President admitted that he would also like to bang Jesus Christ if he were in fact real, because it would be “one hell of a power trip.” Other than that, the President said he is “all about the tang.”

23. The President will attend culinary school as soon as his final term is complete
The President apparently loves the television “Chopped” and would love to compete on it but he also feels that his skills are not up to the necessary level. To that end, Obama said he will enroll in a culinary school once he has left office.

24. If the President had a nickel for every time someone had asked him “do you follow the NBA?” he would have approximately $372.80.
The President said he gets asked “do you follow the NBA?” just about every day.

25. The President uses his hands to communicate
Several times during the speech Obama used his hands to emphasize statements he was making.

26. The President wants a drone assigned to every person in the world by the end of 2016
By the end of his term, Obama said he’d like to see a drone built and deployed for every living human on earth. Giving further detail, Obama said the drones will be primarily for surveillance but should be equipped with weapons “just in case.”

27. The President winked at Vice President Joseph Biden after saying he would introduce legislation to reduce pollution
Shortly after saying that he would work with Congress to reduce pollution, Obama winked at Biden and seemed to mouth the words “I think they bought it. The dumb fuckers.”

28. America will build a new colony on the Moon in late summer
Announcing that plans were “already on the boards” Obama said that a new American colony will be established on the Moon by the end of summer. He continued to say that NASA will begin screening possible colony candidates, focusing on people from the Mid-West.


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