DENVER, CO – One of the worst blizzards in Colorado history was nothing compared to the blizzard of 1934 as remembered by local man Wally Nesmith, 92.

HOUSTON, TX – On Tuesday, NASA announced that data collected on the latest space shuttle Discovery mission reveals that while space may be an infinite vacuum, it does have a distinctive smell.

FRESNO, CA – The California Department of Health Services has located the farm responsible for producing the spinach with the deadly E. coli strain. The farm, which is located just outside of Fresno, is owned and operated by a man known simply as Bluto.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study conducted by the Harvard University English Department proves what many Americans have known for years: writing news briefs is difficult.

TEMPE, AZ – In a single day, the record for lost virginity in a 24 hour period was shattered at Arizona State University.

SAN DIEGO, CA – In an effort to increase profits, officials at the San Diego Zoo have announced a new plan to create the worlds most loveable, cute animal. The animal, if successful, will be the result of breeding a koala bear, a panda bear and a polar bear.
“They’re all bears, right? So there should be no problem breeding them,” said Zoo director Martin Henderson. “The only trick is going to be getting them to have sex and not eat each other. I mean the panda and the polar bear can probably hold their own against each other, but those koalas are kinda small. But who knows, small might be really sexy to the other bears.”

BRIANHEAD, UT – At a baby shower for Krista Wilson, an inappropriate gift was given causing the mother-to-be to decry “this is the worst baby shower ever!”
The gift, a knife set, was given to Wilson by co-worker Rachele Ferreast.

MONTREAL, QUE – Friends and relatives of 27 year old Darren Grayson are grieving today at the fact that they have lost someone close to them. Wells was officially pronounced P-Whipped late last week.

GREENSVILLE, KY – In an effort to appeal to the so called “Hip-Hop” generation, New Christian Publishing has announced plans to release a new, hip-hop inspired version of the Bible.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With the worldwide success of the movie Slumdog Millionaire, old white people all over America are being reminded how lucky it is that they are white.