VATICAN CITY – In an effort to prevent further molestation of young boys by priests in the Catholic Church, the Pope has announced a change to the way mass will be conducted. Young boys will no longer participate in mass and in their place priests will use young, attractive women.

“There willa be ah no morea alter boys inna the church,” said Cardinal Antonio Cassius of Italy.

NEW YORK, NY – Retailers across the country are beginning to use extreme measures in order to get people shopping over the holiday season.

BROOKLYN, NY – In an effort to share resources and save money, Ambulance companies have begun co-operating with Chinese food restaurants.

NEW YORK, NY – Popular vigilante Spider-Man has been arrested for driving under the influence and verbally abusing a New York Police Department Officer after being stopped late last week.

SANTA FE, NM – Christians are flocking to Santa Fe, to see what some are saying is the image of Jesus Christ that has appeared in a painting of Jesus Christ.

New York City, NY – Consumer Reports has once again published its yearly list detailing the hottest toys for the upcoming Holiday season. Retailers across the country are expecting to stock up on the highlighted toys in order to satisfy the high demand.

NEW YORK, NY – In hopes of capitalizing on a new and rapidly growing market, NBC Television has announced plans to combine one of its most popular shows, “To Catch a Predator,” with a reality competition format to create “the greatest reality show of all time.”

OMAHA, NE – Local father Steve Holt has taken drastic measures to reconnect with his high school son, Brenden, by listening to and trying to appreciate the band My Chemical Romance.

CHANDLER, AZ – After spending the last five years as an avid emo fan, local music lover Jarred Samson, 22-years-old, has completed his crossover to an indie fan.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello all my shining little readers, it is I, Beth Sinclair and boy do I have things to tell you! It seems like forever ago that I got to talk to all my little Beth-heads out there.